Our Boundaries Will Not Save Us

On the exhaustion and risks of our constant naysaying labor

Can you bring a plate to share on Friday? Could you meet for an hour to give some feedback? Review this article for a journal? Could you help out with the carpool? Sit on this ad hoc work committee? Mentor? Volunteer? Contribute? And this, and that, and the other?

The answer is likely that you can do some but not all of the things asked of you, when it comes to unpaid labor in addition to your existing and fixed responsibilities—at work, at home, within your family. There are simply too many things to do, and not enough hours in the day, regardless of the worthiness of the cause and your commitment to community. Or at least this is true for some of us, some of the time, who are subject to the biggest asks during the periods when we are the most pressed for time already. I particularly have in mind women subject to what the economist Corinne Low calls “the squeeze,” where work demands and caregiving demands ramp up simultaneously.

And here’s the thing: saying “no” has its own costs, both social and psychological. We fear being punished for our sins; we feel guilty for refusing, however nicely. We feel we are not doing, or being, enough. I call this “naysaying labor.”