Regret is the Bogeyman of Patriarchy

Women are told they'll regret not having (more) children. That's a myth designed to induce FOMOM and manipulate you into bodily obedience.

For a long period in my life, I adamantly did not want children. I did not want to lose myself, in the way I was sure I would, to the duties of motherhood. I wanted, above all, to write—and to have the time and space and quiet to lose myself in ideas. My desires changed only, I believe, because my circumstances were quite special: I had published the big book I wanted to. I had gotten tenure, and so had at least a modicum of financial and job security. I had faith in my husband to be just as active a parent as I was. I had personally theorized the way you do not have to be a giving tree as a mother and thus had, for the first time, faith in myself not to be guilted into self-annihilation. It was only then that having a child began to be something that seemed genuinely attractive, if not necessarily vital for having a good life. (Of course, once she was here, she in particular instantly became vital to our family!)

But there’s another thought that dogged me long before my desires changed: what if I regret not having children? What if I develop a deep desire to have children only to find I am no longer able to?

I am here now to tell anyone wondering the same things why that fear is misleading, based both on the data (some of which you won’t find anywhere else but this newsletter) and a feminist debunking argument.