What If We Stopped Blaming Women for their Husbands?

We need to create the conditions where it is easy to leave, not shameful to have missed the warning signs or put up with bad behavior.

I think we have all been there: a female friend tells us she is leaving a male partner. She confesses—a tellingly natural word choice here—how bad things have been. He drank, he cheated, he was emotionally abusive or worse. Then: “I feel so stupid. How could I not see it?” A variant: “I feel so weak. How could I have put up with it for so long?” We reassure and we comfort: our role is that of a priest granting absolution.

The structure of these conversations tells us something important: women expect to be blamed and shamed for their husband’s bad behavior. They expect this because it is what they get from so many social sources. And I am here to argue that this expectation is typically grossly unfair and hugely counter-productive.