When Feminists Eat Their Own

A Case Of Mistaken Blame: When Patriarchy is Really the Problem

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Today, I’m bringing you something special—a conversation between me and cultural critic extraordinaire,

Sara Petersen

, of

In Pursuit of Clean Countertops

fame, and author of brilliant commentaries on all things tradwives and momfluencers. Sara and I got talking because we were driven similarly batty by an essay that is an entry into a well-worn genre: feminists eating their own, and blaming other feminists for somehow denying motherhood its legitimacy and meaning. We conversed below about how, actually, patriarchy is the problem—and there’s a basis for solidarity here. Feminine-coded joys and pleasures need not be abandoned in order to oppose the male dominance and misogyny that is our common enemy.

Sara: The other day, I came across a Substack essay by Sarah Menkedick which vehemently argued that the London Times profile of Hannah Neeleman (the one that cast Daniel as controlling) was essentially a hit piece written by a motherless woman eager to forward her unyielding, incurious feminist agenda. The piece sort of blew me away and I immediately wanted to talk about it with you, Kate! Maybe this quote is a good place to start the conversation:

"The problem, particularly for those feminists stridently arguing against ‘choice feminism,’ is that sometimes what women want—to stay home with a baby, to give up their career for a stretch to be with their children, to savor domestic life—is also what patriarchy wants women to want. So the feminist answer has been a stark and simple one: stop wanting it. Your wanting it forces us all to want it."

Kate: I am filled with suspicion every time someone refers vaguely to “feminism” and “feminists” rather than individual feminists who have argued specific things.