Women Are Not Allowed To Be the Main Characters

And men position themselves at the center of every story—sometimes rightly, and sometimes in ways women need to be able to do too.

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Recently, I went to give a public lecture at a university. I was asked, as I often am, to give a talk overviewing some of my work on the nature of misogyny. I spoke about what I call the naïve definition of misogyny—a dictionary-style definition, which ironically, several dictionaries have now updated—according to which misogyny is a hatred of any and every woman, or at least women very generally. I pointed out that, according to this conception, it would be an adequate defense if someone was accused of being a misogynist to say that he loves his mother or that he loves submissive women who do his bidding. It is, of course, not very difficult to have positive feelings toward the people who are socialized to serve, please, nurture, and give, give, give to you. The naïve definition of misogyny will hence make it a rare phenomenon, and often, an inscrutable one—it can be difficult to know if someone is really hateful deep down, or simply insecure, anxious, confused, and so on.

From the perspective of the targets and victims of misogyny, though, it really does not matter. Misogyny, I argue, is better conceived as the hostility or hatred that comes at girls or women, which serves a particular political function: namely, to police and enforce patriarchal norms and expectations. Misogyny, in other words, is something women face, not something men feel, at the most fundamental level of analysis. It is a property of social environments. And it is a structural phenomenon, not an individual one: we do not have to do deep psychological work to understand how some actions and attitudes will read to a girl or woman who is interpreting them reasonably. The hostility you face may not always be obvious, but it is a visceral, and sometimes physical, force in the world you have to navigate.

I contrasted misogyny with sexism—misogyny is the police force, sexism is the bad science, of patriarchy, in essence—and gave three examples of misogyny in action. Incels; the expectation women give care, not receive it; and the difficulty accepting women in masculine-coded authority positions.

This is all standard fare for me. So were many of the questions I was asked on this occasion. And they did a good job showcasing a depressing reality: women are still not allowed to be the focus of the discussion, all too often. People had come to hear a lecture about misogyny. But they still asked me predominantly about men and their problems—some real, some illusory. There is a prevalent sense that men are the main characters, the fulcrum around which the action must center.