as a parent of 3 (ages 23, 21, and 16), i would add: the things you think you have figured out as a parent may just be dumb luck –– a fortuitous match between your approach and your particular kid's need. because then you might have another kid for whom that approach completely fails.
I appreciate this, because it helps me understand what my sister experiences with her two.
I would simply like to say to my past self that whatever you thought being an aunt would be like, well, get ready, because it's going to be EVEN better. It's going to reaffirm your choice to not have children, because just having little ones to dote on that aren't your own IS enough for you. It's going to open up a well of love in you that you didn't know existed. Aunting is going to be a dream you didn't know you had.
I used to think parenting transformed me, but you've given me something to consider. Maybe I was always this person, inside, but having children forced the person on the inside (the fighter) to come out.
What I would add is that you will get triggered as you never have before - because parenting dredges up all the unresolved shit about your own experience being patented. If you don’t mind, I’ll share a piece in the comments that I wrote about this.
"6. There is no better sound than “Mommy, I love you, my squishy little mommy.” The idea of minding your body being “squishy” and also “squeezy” and “cozy” to your daughter will seem, at best, distant."
I had, of course, heard other mother's talking about how wonderful it is to hear your child say "I love you mummy", but never did I imagine just how deeply moving it was. Hearing it - not only for the first time but any time - it's as if some deep part within my soul is electrified. A deep part I never even knew existed. It somehow managed to bring new pieces of me to life.
This so perfectly articulated so much of what I felt (but couldn't articulate) when I was raising two kids (now 23 and 28)! I just kept saying: yup, yup. So good!
I love the smell of childcare in the afternoon! Sunscreen, sweat and sand mixed up with soft squishy kid smell.
I too find Halloween a bit weird. I’m still in Australia where costumes are fun but there’s little sense of the season being spooky and it’s hard to trick or treat when it’s 28° and sunny at 5pm. But kids do enjoy it so much.
& (mine are 31, 29, & 20): it's gonna go by SO DAMN FAST, but try not to freak out about it:
when the 29 yo (now a psych prof at an R1 doing amazing things) was an infant, an English prof saw me exiting library with them in sling (laugh, it's ok). Dude said something about "Yours." Musta been the library, cuz without thinking i blurted "i like to think of it as extended loan"
& as soon as i said it i knew it was true. it's about your relationship and them becoming them.
I feel like my son smells like heaven but his clothes smell gross, I do not enjoy the preschooler laundry pile.
I also feel like I could have never anticipated the insane guilt I feel about things. You can be a great parent all day and then have a “moment” and be sure that’ll be the one etched in their memory
Much of this resonates with my experience of parenting a kid who's now 2 years old...and your points that don't resonate yet, either because I'm a "younger" parent than you are or because I simply haven't realized them yet, have opened my eyes in a pleasant way. Like "Finding and calling someone beautiful will come to have an entirely new meaning." Yes! To expand this, I've found that many aspects of my life, like priorities and the way I think of time, have evolved. Thank you for this important episode of your newsletter!
I’m not a parent, but I fell in life-changing love when my first niece was born. I can relate to No. 19; I was surprised to find that stories and depictions of kids getting hurt or being afraid now pierce my heart and stick with me in a much more visceral way.
100% parenting has not been a transformative experience for me. It has been pretty much what I expected, and thankfully I have remained the same person! This is not to say that it hasn't been a profound and life-changing experience. Just that, contrary to the scholarship on transformative experiences, I do think I had a reasonable understanding of parenthood beforehand that's been borne out by later experience parenting two kids.
as a parent of 3 (ages 23, 21, and 16), i would add: the things you think you have figured out as a parent may just be dumb luck –– a fortuitous match between your approach and your particular kid's need. because then you might have another kid for whom that approach completely fails.
there is nothing more humbling.
I appreciate this, because it helps me understand what my sister experiences with her two.
I would simply like to say to my past self that whatever you thought being an aunt would be like, well, get ready, because it's going to be EVEN better. It's going to reaffirm your choice to not have children, because just having little ones to dote on that aren't your own IS enough for you. It's going to open up a well of love in you that you didn't know existed. Aunting is going to be a dream you didn't know you had.
I used to think parenting transformed me, but you've given me something to consider. Maybe I was always this person, inside, but having children forced the person on the inside (the fighter) to come out.
What I would add is that you will get triggered as you never have before - because parenting dredges up all the unresolved shit about your own experience being patented. If you don’t mind, I’ll share a piece in the comments that I wrote about this.
"6. There is no better sound than “Mommy, I love you, my squishy little mommy.” The idea of minding your body being “squishy” and also “squeezy” and “cozy” to your daughter will seem, at best, distant."
I had, of course, heard other mother's talking about how wonderful it is to hear your child say "I love you mummy", but never did I imagine just how deeply moving it was. Hearing it - not only for the first time but any time - it's as if some deep part within my soul is electrified. A deep part I never even knew existed. It somehow managed to bring new pieces of me to life.
This so perfectly articulated so much of what I felt (but couldn't articulate) when I was raising two kids (now 23 and 28)! I just kept saying: yup, yup. So good!
I love the smell of childcare in the afternoon! Sunscreen, sweat and sand mixed up with soft squishy kid smell.
I too find Halloween a bit weird. I’m still in Australia where costumes are fun but there’s little sense of the season being spooky and it’s hard to trick or treat when it’s 28° and sunny at 5pm. But kids do enjoy it so much.
This is beautiful--and captures so well the complicated mess and vibrant gorgeousness of becoming a parent. 💜
Right on target!!
Terrifically expressed!
The smell thing shocked me, frankly. My son smelled like cupcakes (except when he needed a bath, then he smelled like McDonalds.)
& (mine are 31, 29, & 20): it's gonna go by SO DAMN FAST, but try not to freak out about it:
when the 29 yo (now a psych prof at an R1 doing amazing things) was an infant, an English prof saw me exiting library with them in sling (laugh, it's ok). Dude said something about "Yours." Musta been the library, cuz without thinking i blurted "i like to think of it as extended loan"
& as soon as i said it i knew it was true. it's about your relationship and them becoming them.
I feel like my son smells like heaven but his clothes smell gross, I do not enjoy the preschooler laundry pile.
I also feel like I could have never anticipated the insane guilt I feel about things. You can be a great parent all day and then have a “moment” and be sure that’ll be the one etched in their memory
Much of this resonates with my experience of parenting a kid who's now 2 years old...and your points that don't resonate yet, either because I'm a "younger" parent than you are or because I simply haven't realized them yet, have opened my eyes in a pleasant way. Like "Finding and calling someone beautiful will come to have an entirely new meaning." Yes! To expand this, I've found that many aspects of my life, like priorities and the way I think of time, have evolved. Thank you for this important episode of your newsletter!
This is so lovely 💖
I’m not a parent, but I fell in life-changing love when my first niece was born. I can relate to No. 19; I was surprised to find that stories and depictions of kids getting hurt or being afraid now pierce my heart and stick with me in a much more visceral way.
100% parenting has not been a transformative experience for me. It has been pretty much what I expected, and thankfully I have remained the same person! This is not to say that it hasn't been a profound and life-changing experience. Just that, contrary to the scholarship on transformative experiences, I do think I had a reasonable understanding of parenthood beforehand that's been borne out by later experience parenting two kids.
Mom of a 4 year old and yes, so much of this resonates. She is in some ways exactly like me and my husband and also very unique at the same time!