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Laura Clapper's avatar

Loved this!! Thank you for this incredibly important and insightful analysis! It sounds like you’re showing a way that patriarchy is likely evolving in this moment to stay “sustainable,” as Cynthia Enloe would say. It’s convenient to say, “look we are okay with boys and men showing previously feminized emotions!” when the implication is that “so naturally girls and women should be gentl(er)with them and be ever more sensitive to their emotional support needs.

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Lisa Sherper's avatar

Thank you for raising this topic. The way I think about emotions is that they are always understandable but they may not always be justified. Determining whether or not they are justified depends on discernable facts versus interpretations and the degree to which the emotion is effective. For example, being more terrified of butterflies than bears may not be effective. An interpretation can really be an issue, especially when it comes to men and accountability. Many boys and then men are not raised to accept accountability for their actions, so in the case of Cavanaugh, when confronted with having sexually assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, his interpretation from the perspective of his male entitlement was that it was unfair to be held accountable. I have noticed that in therapy more and more men are willing to express vulnerable emotions, including sadness and expect a warm response to their distress because they have discovered it is extremely effective. Men expect when they express vulnerability like shame and sadness to women that this will excuse them from responsibility. This is often paired with DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim Offender). When men cry in session, their female partners are warm and soothing and then often disavow their perspective and favor his. When women cry in session, many men respond indifferently. As far as raising boys and girls, I think empathy plus accountability is a good policy. I also think that what parents model is probably more powerful than what we do or say. If the females in the family are doing most of the giving and the men most of the receiving the ground is laid.

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