Loved this!! Thank you for this incredibly important and insightful analysis! It sounds like you’re showing a way that patriarchy is likely evolving in this moment to stay “sustainable,” as Cynthia Enloe would say. It’s convenient to say, “look we are okay with boys and men showing previously feminized emotions!” when the implication is that “so naturally girls and women should be gentl(er)with them and be ever more sensitive to their emotional support needs.
Thank you for raising this topic. The way I think about emotions is that they are always understandable but they may not always be justified. Determining whether or not they are justified depends on discernable facts versus interpretations and the degree to which the emotion is effective. For example, being more terrified of butterflies than bears may not be effective. An interpretation can really be an issue, especially when it comes to men and accountability. Many boys and then men are not raised to accept accountability for their actions, so in the case of Cavanaugh, when confronted with having sexually assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, his interpretation from the perspective of his male entitlement was that it was unfair to be held accountable. I have noticed that in therapy more and more men are willing to express vulnerable emotions, including sadness and expect a warm response to their distress because they have discovered it is extremely effective. Men expect when they express vulnerability like shame and sadness to women that this will excuse them from responsibility. This is often paired with DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim Offender). When men cry in session, their female partners are warm and soothing and then often disavow their perspective and favor his. When women cry in session, many men respond indifferently. As far as raising boys and girls, I think empathy plus accountability is a good policy. I also think that what parents model is probably more powerful than what we do or say. If the females in the family are doing most of the giving and the men most of the receiving the ground is laid.
The DARVO comment reminds me a bit of the concept of "white women's tears" (in certain contexts) as a way to seek social safety and avoid accountability by upholding and aligning with white supremacy and patriarchy.
In her book 'Justice, Gender and the Family' political scientist Susan Moller Okin asserts that the family is the first school of justice. Nothing is more instructive than the examples that surround our young selves. Nothing anyone says communicates 'who matters' and 'what's right' as clearly as observing whose preferences dominate within the household.
This is very interesting to me as a parent approaching 60 who was raised on "It's All Right to Cry" along with the rest of Free to Be, You and Me. My kids are both over 21 now, and I have learned over and over that a major pitfall of parenting is to assume that your own experience as a child is what your child is experiencing now. We overcorrect for whatever we suffered or just feel we missed out on, and we forget that the world has moved on, and that what they are experiencing in the larger world, including school, camp, etc, is different now. I'll be interested to see if you find more data on this one! Anecdotally, I have tons of thoughts, but so does everyone...
Mom of three sons here. Age 68. And like so many woman, I too was raised to suppress my anger. But I’m telling you, it still is important to tell boys they are allowed to cry; that everyone—boys and girls—is allowed to cry; and that everyone is allowed to be angry too but we can’t hit or scream abuse. PS: I was also raised not to cry by parents who were utterly emotionally disconnected from us and didn’t want to be parents. “Quit being so sensitive,” I was told, as well as, “Crying won’t change anything,” and occasionally, “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.” By age 8, I had stopped crying—-I was never comforted and it only made adults mad. Sixty years later, I still have a hard time crying. But thankfully, my three sons in their 30s, seem able to do it. And my husband is pretty good at it too. Someday, I hope I get there.
I will be 62 in a few months and was raised by parents who didn't want to deal with any emotions unless it was happiness, or so it seemed. My father had absolutely no patience (and to be honest, was exhausted from working 60+ hours a week) and often blew up at one or more of the six of us. My mother did nothing to stop him and sometimes seemed to egg him on. It was terrifying and one of the reasons I never had kids.
One of my sisters once said we were either crying, getting ready to cry, or getting over crying and then getting yelled at for crying "over nothing". I have not truly cried in decades.
Oof. What a fine line to walk. What do the tears of a B. Kavanaugh mean, particularly in a situation where he's trying to bully his legitimate questioners into silence? I tend to be leery of arguments that rely on the idea of some sort of general historical or political progress, claims that "things are just categorically better [or different] now than they were for my generation growing up" in large part because that is, in effect, the right-wing pretext for rolling back civil rights and, increasingly (as Elie Mystal, Michael Harriot, and others have argued) part of a much larger effort to return us to antebellum norms on race, gender, etc. But the possibility of male tears being used for manipulation and various forms of extraction also seems all too plausible. I'll be thinking about this one for quite a while. Thank you again!
Tangentially, I actually do like The Giving Tree quite a lot, but the caveat is it's essential to imagine that either character could be any gender. Not sure what Shel had in mind when he created it, but I think it's also important that the reader not see the behavior and the situation described as unambiguously good or healthy, particularly from the tree's point of view.
I agree with everyone commenting that patriarchy can find many ways to use male tears to manipulate to support perpetuating the system. Men continue to be given a benefit of the doubt that women seldom if ever receive.
Idk if it's sad or not; it just is. I don't think much about the boy. For me, it's about the tree and the unconditional love and giving, the desire to do that, regardless of what you get back. That could be a parent, it could be a partner, it could be other things too. And is it noble, or foolish? Virtuous, or a waste of the one life we're given? For me it just is. 🤷
Love Laura Clapper and Lisa Sherper comments---stellar additions to this important post! The male sense of entitlement and refusal to be accountable keep on growing the patriarchy.
Thanks, Kate. This was a new perspective for me; I was raised with an extreme version of "boys don't cry ... or if they do they catch hell and are ridiculed and That was a long time ago, though. To the extent I had any impact on my son in this manner I was very much in favor of him feeling and expressing his emotions, as was his mom. Then, my later children were girls, so I did not know anything about changes in norms & needs of raising boys. I'm glad you wrote this because it is one more thing you have taught me. (And thank goodness it is not as it was when I was young.)
Thanks, Kate; I had surgery for melanoma on Friday and it went well, with a number of lymph nodes removed. Path lab report in about 10 days will reveal what will have to happen next. It’s a relief to have gotten to this point in the process—needed to happen, wasn’t horrible.
Especially Loved the way you ended this post Kate.
In Canada I have often heard men and boys say that they have only cried when their team lost. Whether they are telling the truth or not who knows, but the interesting part is that they believe when it comes to sports , they are allowed to cry their “masculine” tears. I welcome vulnerability from men, i don’t know where this belief that they shouldn’t cry came from… what disturbs me is that emotional priority is given within the boundaries of a sport
The history buff in me is reminded of the sixteenth century when ‘manly tears’ were a thing, and women (whose public behaviour was rigidly controlled, and often their private behaviour too) were seen as naturally colder and having less emotion, at least in the upper class. The link between strict gendering and control seems quite tenacious.
Yes! The problem really never was restricting men’s emotions; it was the assumption that men were always entitled to women’s care work. Got over yourselves, guys, and start helping.
This essay has stuck with me all day. I keep thinking about how women are perceived if they cry at work. Imagine a female nominee for the supreme court crying in her confirmation hearing!
For men expressing tender feelings, there is that important piece around context, including their status and level of conformity to other traits associated with masculinity (as in the research on crying in sports). Someone like Kavanaugh is granted a lot more emotional leeway than, say, your average 12-year-old boy on the school playground.
For anyone who's interested, the Aspen Ideas Festival just had an interesting panel called "Anxious Girls, Lonely Boys" that was much more nuanced than the click-bait title would suggest: https://youtu.be/YfnhQpHWuUc
Loved this!! Thank you for this incredibly important and insightful analysis! It sounds like you’re showing a way that patriarchy is likely evolving in this moment to stay “sustainable,” as Cynthia Enloe would say. It’s convenient to say, “look we are okay with boys and men showing previously feminized emotions!” when the implication is that “so naturally girls and women should be gentl(er)with them and be ever more sensitive to their emotional support needs.
Once again I am blown away by how smart this comment is. Thank you for nailing it and then putting it so well!
Thank you—You and Enloe just making ideas click together in the best ways
Thank you for raising this topic. The way I think about emotions is that they are always understandable but they may not always be justified. Determining whether or not they are justified depends on discernable facts versus interpretations and the degree to which the emotion is effective. For example, being more terrified of butterflies than bears may not be effective. An interpretation can really be an issue, especially when it comes to men and accountability. Many boys and then men are not raised to accept accountability for their actions, so in the case of Cavanaugh, when confronted with having sexually assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, his interpretation from the perspective of his male entitlement was that it was unfair to be held accountable. I have noticed that in therapy more and more men are willing to express vulnerable emotions, including sadness and expect a warm response to their distress because they have discovered it is extremely effective. Men expect when they express vulnerability like shame and sadness to women that this will excuse them from responsibility. This is often paired with DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim Offender). When men cry in session, their female partners are warm and soothing and then often disavow their perspective and favor his. When women cry in session, many men respond indifferently. As far as raising boys and girls, I think empathy plus accountability is a good policy. I also think that what parents model is probably more powerful than what we do or say. If the females in the family are doing most of the giving and the men most of the receiving the ground is laid.
Oof, and wow. This is incredibly insightful and telling. Thank you
The DARVO comment reminds me a bit of the concept of "white women's tears" (in certain contexts) as a way to seek social safety and avoid accountability by upholding and aligning with white supremacy and patriarchy.
In her book 'Justice, Gender and the Family' political scientist Susan Moller Okin asserts that the family is the first school of justice. Nothing is more instructive than the examples that surround our young selves. Nothing anyone says communicates 'who matters' and 'what's right' as clearly as observing whose preferences dominate within the household.
This is very interesting to me as a parent approaching 60 who was raised on "It's All Right to Cry" along with the rest of Free to Be, You and Me. My kids are both over 21 now, and I have learned over and over that a major pitfall of parenting is to assume that your own experience as a child is what your child is experiencing now. We overcorrect for whatever we suffered or just feel we missed out on, and we forget that the world has moved on, and that what they are experiencing in the larger world, including school, camp, etc, is different now. I'll be interested to see if you find more data on this one! Anecdotally, I have tons of thoughts, but so does everyone...
One of the wisest things I've read about parenting for a while. We. Project. Yes. Thank you for this insight!
Mom of three sons here. Age 68. And like so many woman, I too was raised to suppress my anger. But I’m telling you, it still is important to tell boys they are allowed to cry; that everyone—boys and girls—is allowed to cry; and that everyone is allowed to be angry too but we can’t hit or scream abuse. PS: I was also raised not to cry by parents who were utterly emotionally disconnected from us and didn’t want to be parents. “Quit being so sensitive,” I was told, as well as, “Crying won’t change anything,” and occasionally, “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.” By age 8, I had stopped crying—-I was never comforted and it only made adults mad. Sixty years later, I still have a hard time crying. But thankfully, my three sons in their 30s, seem able to do it. And my husband is pretty good at it too. Someday, I hope I get there.
Thank you for this crucial reminder that girls and women are shamed for emoting too, and that it does lasting emotional damage. Yes!
I will be 62 in a few months and was raised by parents who didn't want to deal with any emotions unless it was happiness, or so it seemed. My father had absolutely no patience (and to be honest, was exhausted from working 60+ hours a week) and often blew up at one or more of the six of us. My mother did nothing to stop him and sometimes seemed to egg him on. It was terrifying and one of the reasons I never had kids.
One of my sisters once said we were either crying, getting ready to cry, or getting over crying and then getting yelled at for crying "over nothing". I have not truly cried in decades.
Oof that is heartbreaking. Sending so much solidarity. The reluctance of some men to listen to the emotions of others needs a post in its own right.
I am struck by your post and very sorry this happened to you and your siblings.
Oof. What a fine line to walk. What do the tears of a B. Kavanaugh mean, particularly in a situation where he's trying to bully his legitimate questioners into silence? I tend to be leery of arguments that rely on the idea of some sort of general historical or political progress, claims that "things are just categorically better [or different] now than they were for my generation growing up" in large part because that is, in effect, the right-wing pretext for rolling back civil rights and, increasingly (as Elie Mystal, Michael Harriot, and others have argued) part of a much larger effort to return us to antebellum norms on race, gender, etc. But the possibility of male tears being used for manipulation and various forms of extraction also seems all too plausible. I'll be thinking about this one for quite a while. Thank you again!
Very wise comment. Thank you!
Perfect concluding sentence.
Tangentially, I actually do like The Giving Tree quite a lot, but the caveat is it's essential to imagine that either character could be any gender. Not sure what Shel had in mind when he created it, but I think it's also important that the reader not see the behavior and the situation described as unambiguously good or healthy, particularly from the tree's point of view.
I agree with everyone commenting that patriarchy can find many ways to use male tears to manipulate to support perpetuating the system. Men continue to be given a benefit of the doubt that women seldom if ever receive.
Yesss! This is always my suggestion to parents: if you like the book, change the genders, and talk about the sadness of the conclusion.
Idk if it's sad or not; it just is. I don't think much about the boy. For me, it's about the tree and the unconditional love and giving, the desire to do that, regardless of what you get back. That could be a parent, it could be a partner, it could be other things too. And is it noble, or foolish? Virtuous, or a waste of the one life we're given? For me it just is. 🤷
Love Laura Clapper and Lisa Sherper comments---stellar additions to this important post! The male sense of entitlement and refusal to be accountable keep on growing the patriarchy.
Insightful column and comments!
(meaning thank you, as always, to Kate and commenters)
Thanks, Kate. This was a new perspective for me; I was raised with an extreme version of "boys don't cry ... or if they do they catch hell and are ridiculed and That was a long time ago, though. To the extent I had any impact on my son in this manner I was very much in favor of him feeling and expressing his emotions, as was his mom. Then, my later children were girls, so I did not know anything about changes in norms & needs of raising boys. I'm glad you wrote this because it is one more thing you have taught me. (And thank goodness it is not as it was when I was young.)
Thank you so much for sharing, Rick! Sending you all the sympathy and solidarity. And thank goodness things have changed
Thanks, Kate; I had surgery for melanoma on Friday and it went well, with a number of lymph nodes removed. Path lab report in about 10 days will reveal what will have to happen next. It’s a relief to have gotten to this point in the process—needed to happen, wasn’t horrible.
Thinking of you, Rick! I really appreciate the update, you've been in my thoughts ❤️
Especially Loved the way you ended this post Kate.
In Canada I have often heard men and boys say that they have only cried when their team lost. Whether they are telling the truth or not who knows, but the interesting part is that they believe when it comes to sports , they are allowed to cry their “masculine” tears. I welcome vulnerability from men, i don’t know where this belief that they shouldn’t cry came from… what disturbs me is that emotional priority is given within the boundaries of a sport
There’s a 2019 study that supports this linkage of crying in sport (or other hypermasculine settings)
Kate have you seen it?
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6923274/
Fascinating! Thank you ❤️
The history buff in me is reminded of the sixteenth century when ‘manly tears’ were a thing, and women (whose public behaviour was rigidly controlled, and often their private behaviour too) were seen as naturally colder and having less emotion, at least in the upper class. The link between strict gendering and control seems quite tenacious.
Oh brilliant point. Thank you!
Yes! The problem really never was restricting men’s emotions; it was the assumption that men were always entitled to women’s care work. Got over yourselves, guys, and start helping.
This essay has stuck with me all day. I keep thinking about how women are perceived if they cry at work. Imagine a female nominee for the supreme court crying in her confirmation hearing!
For men expressing tender feelings, there is that important piece around context, including their status and level of conformity to other traits associated with masculinity (as in the research on crying in sports). Someone like Kavanaugh is granted a lot more emotional leeway than, say, your average 12-year-old boy on the school playground.
For anyone who's interested, the Aspen Ideas Festival just had an interesting panel called "Anxious Girls, Lonely Boys" that was much more nuanced than the click-bait title would suggest: https://youtu.be/YfnhQpHWuUc
brilliant as usual!
🙏❤️