Such a great piece. And this is so similar to the illusion of invulnerability that leads many people to think that, if they just do everything "right," they won't get raped: "There’s a kind of magical thinking about the body that says that, if we do the right things—whatever those may be—then we’ll end up fit, thin, and non-disabled."
My theory is that people like Deana are suffering from a deficit of compassion that results from both privilege and a total lack of adversity in their lives. Compassion Deficit Disorder? (There should probably be an additional term for those who feel the need to "share" their ideas with those they are convinced they're superior to, though.)
My young adult daughter is disabled by several poorly understood chronic illnesses, and if we had a dollar for every "helpful suggestion" or "simple explanation" we've had to listen to we'd be able to fund significant research. Sadly, the bulk of the offensive comments she receives are about the fact that she is underweight (a result of her illness and something she has tried everything to rectify). She's been asked what drug rehab she attends, how she can be so skinny when she eats pastry, and if she's anorexic, among other things. People also often comment on her extreme pallor.
When did it become okay to comment on and advise other people about their bodies???
When I hear people say they exercise for HOURS, literally HOURS... I'm like how do you get anything else done? Do you have staff? I like being outdoors and I like hiking but for HOURS every single day. No, I got other stuff I gotta do. XD
My mind goes in a lot of directions whenever I read really thoughtful, direct pieces around fatness, health and the correlation versus causation thing. But the main thing I can’t help but think about is how little we still know about trauma. And what helps and supports a person (not just their body shape!) to heal and have a full life.
Reading some of Deanna’s excerpts felt rattling to me. It reminded me of what it felt like for years cycling through the “knowledge” and “rules” around body, “health” and eating -- and instinctively shutting a major part of my mental and emotional life down. I could not be uber thin and be creative. I could not be uber thin and sustain friendships. I could not be uber thin and pursue my writing. In order to be uber thin all my other faculties have to be shut down and punished (severely) if they rise up. And I think that’s what is so exhausting about this discussion at all: Deanna thinks I’m the one suffering in a bigger body when I’m not sure we have even remotely similar definitions of joy and satisfaction in life.
I got a little lost in this comment, so I’ll try to bring it back around to your question at the end. Letters like Deanna’s feel like body slamming with words. Slamming your body, my body, any body that dares to inch toward nonconformity and acceptance. And I wish for her and others to find satisfaction and ease in life. Or at a minimum, I wish they’d let me eat my sushi and go swimming in peace. 🧡
Even when I was fight training and out-wrestling athletes half my age, I was carrying around 30% body fat vs their 6-10. I mountain bike or bike every morning and don't eat processed foods either, "Deana." I do it because I like it. I'm still heavier than normal, I have been since I was six years old. Thankfully, so were my relatives who've lived to their mid-nineties.
The morality is ridiculous. If I injured myself biking, would my health insurance provider magically not lose money for paying out? The doctor wouldn't guilt me about it, I'm sure. (I'm a man so I get less fat shaming, I am aware.)
American health is terrible due to stress and toxic work culture, but they can't blame that, so they blame fat.
Is it...fatsplaining? (Dietsplaining?) I hate to take away from mansplain as a very potent word and concept but...yes, please fatsplain my fat body to me, skinny person.
SO MANY PEOPLE in my life, people who seem so wonderful, so generous, so genuinely, truly, penetratingly, terrifying smart and/or creatively unstoppable. And then they say, "yeah, but I can only have so much sympathy for The Obese, because that is such a choice/weakness/insert character flaw here" and the disappointment I feel is staggering. It colors my perception of them forever. It reminds me of everything that "smart" doesn't mean. It's so sad. Why do people like Deana feel like they need to hold on to this flavor of bigotry? Are they truly that desperate to feel better about themselves? Do they have a smidgen of self-awareness about this?
This was so enraging to read. Passive-aggressive condescension is THE WORST (sung Jean-Ralphio Saperstein-style to at least get some enjoyment out of Deana's obnoxious sermon).
Good one! Thanks. In my analysis of people like this, I focus on the idea of control. We humans are faced with a reality over which we have limited control. We also have limited power to control reality. We can accept reality, or we can try to control it. If we control it, we get to say how things are and how they will be. We can maintain a certain illusion of control. Epictetus wrote that some things are within our power, and some things are not. The things that are not within our power are the things not of our doing, such as our body, our property, reputation. The things within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, and things of our own doing. I guess it's easy to get these things mixed up, which is why people live with the illusion that they control more than they do.
It's ironic that people are quick to make the willpower/SAT connection when it suits them (even if it's a very minor difference), but not consider that high achievement in general is also an indication of willpower, albeit willpower applied to something other than weight. Yes, dear internet trolls, please tell me I have no self discipline when I have been working my ass off at other things for the last 35 years.
As an aside, who needs internet trolls when we get it from our relatives?!? Yesterday one of my friends received the following email from another friend's mom and I am just speechless with menopausal Gen X rage at the amount of fatshaming we received from our Silent Gen/early Boomer parents. (names changed just in case and no one mentioned in the email is diabetic or prediabetic)
-Dear Jenn,
So I’m sitting here remorseful after the 49er loss & then this diabetes ad appears. Heather’s weight is up, yours is up. Your old 2nd mom is worried about you both. Want you to live, long, healthy lives. Love you bunches-
I have no idea what to call disability trolling, beyond bad manners or theatre of cruelty. Thank you for a great read. We need more people to do this analysis takedown in real life, and we need even more for people to listen and accept the research results.
What a perfect response to what is nothing more than a condescending lecture from a person seething with resentment yet inherited a thin and healthy body (and probably other forms of privilege, as evidenced by her tax comment). My mother is 92 and in great health. She hasn’t been thin since her 30s. She does all the “right” things but she realized long ago that fighting genetics is fraught with frustration. We all inherit a set of genes and grow up in environments over which we have zero control. If we start with that premise, perhaps we can kill the myth that thinness equals moral good.
This was a great article. I sent it to my middle-aged daughter, hoping my teen-aged granddaughter will read it -- and take it to heart -- as well.
We are a family of "hefty" women, though everyone of us -- even my mom and grandma -- tried not to be. Our meals are pretty healthful -- though we do like cookies -- and we're quite active -- though we are readers who sit at those times. And yet, we remain "hefty."
True story, if you like to laugh. After a head injury that caused loss of consciousness, I was sent to see a second neurologist for intractable headaches. My tests came back showing no problems. Honest to God, he told me they'd ease off if I lost weight! (Btw...Vit B-1 did the trick.)
Oh this line : You haven’t addressed me by name. (“Kate” is fine, by the way, though I always appreciate the courtesy of strangers who go with “Dr.” or “Professor.”) You haven’t included a greeting or salutation. 💛✨🫡
Such a great piece. And this is so similar to the illusion of invulnerability that leads many people to think that, if they just do everything "right," they won't get raped: "There’s a kind of magical thinking about the body that says that, if we do the right things—whatever those may be—then we’ll end up fit, thin, and non-disabled."
My theory is that people like Deana are suffering from a deficit of compassion that results from both privilege and a total lack of adversity in their lives. Compassion Deficit Disorder? (There should probably be an additional term for those who feel the need to "share" their ideas with those they are convinced they're superior to, though.)
My young adult daughter is disabled by several poorly understood chronic illnesses, and if we had a dollar for every "helpful suggestion" or "simple explanation" we've had to listen to we'd be able to fund significant research. Sadly, the bulk of the offensive comments she receives are about the fact that she is underweight (a result of her illness and something she has tried everything to rectify). She's been asked what drug rehab she attends, how she can be so skinny when she eats pastry, and if she's anorexic, among other things. People also often comment on her extreme pallor.
When did it become okay to comment on and advise other people about their bodies???
When I hear people say they exercise for HOURS, literally HOURS... I'm like how do you get anything else done? Do you have staff? I like being outdoors and I like hiking but for HOURS every single day. No, I got other stuff I gotta do. XD
My mind goes in a lot of directions whenever I read really thoughtful, direct pieces around fatness, health and the correlation versus causation thing. But the main thing I can’t help but think about is how little we still know about trauma. And what helps and supports a person (not just their body shape!) to heal and have a full life.
Reading some of Deanna’s excerpts felt rattling to me. It reminded me of what it felt like for years cycling through the “knowledge” and “rules” around body, “health” and eating -- and instinctively shutting a major part of my mental and emotional life down. I could not be uber thin and be creative. I could not be uber thin and sustain friendships. I could not be uber thin and pursue my writing. In order to be uber thin all my other faculties have to be shut down and punished (severely) if they rise up. And I think that’s what is so exhausting about this discussion at all: Deanna thinks I’m the one suffering in a bigger body when I’m not sure we have even remotely similar definitions of joy and satisfaction in life.
I got a little lost in this comment, so I’ll try to bring it back around to your question at the end. Letters like Deanna’s feel like body slamming with words. Slamming your body, my body, any body that dares to inch toward nonconformity and acceptance. And I wish for her and others to find satisfaction and ease in life. Or at a minimum, I wish they’d let me eat my sushi and go swimming in peace. 🧡
Oh, these people are so tiresome.
Even when I was fight training and out-wrestling athletes half my age, I was carrying around 30% body fat vs their 6-10. I mountain bike or bike every morning and don't eat processed foods either, "Deana." I do it because I like it. I'm still heavier than normal, I have been since I was six years old. Thankfully, so were my relatives who've lived to their mid-nineties.
The morality is ridiculous. If I injured myself biking, would my health insurance provider magically not lose money for paying out? The doctor wouldn't guilt me about it, I'm sure. (I'm a man so I get less fat shaming, I am aware.)
American health is terrible due to stress and toxic work culture, but they can't blame that, so they blame fat.
Is it...fatsplaining? (Dietsplaining?) I hate to take away from mansplain as a very potent word and concept but...yes, please fatsplain my fat body to me, skinny person.
SO MANY PEOPLE in my life, people who seem so wonderful, so generous, so genuinely, truly, penetratingly, terrifying smart and/or creatively unstoppable. And then they say, "yeah, but I can only have so much sympathy for The Obese, because that is such a choice/weakness/insert character flaw here" and the disappointment I feel is staggering. It colors my perception of them forever. It reminds me of everything that "smart" doesn't mean. It's so sad. Why do people like Deana feel like they need to hold on to this flavor of bigotry? Are they truly that desperate to feel better about themselves? Do they have a smidgen of self-awareness about this?
This was so enraging to read. Passive-aggressive condescension is THE WORST (sung Jean-Ralphio Saperstein-style to at least get some enjoyment out of Deana's obnoxious sermon).
Good one! Thanks. In my analysis of people like this, I focus on the idea of control. We humans are faced with a reality over which we have limited control. We also have limited power to control reality. We can accept reality, or we can try to control it. If we control it, we get to say how things are and how they will be. We can maintain a certain illusion of control. Epictetus wrote that some things are within our power, and some things are not. The things that are not within our power are the things not of our doing, such as our body, our property, reputation. The things within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, and things of our own doing. I guess it's easy to get these things mixed up, which is why people live with the illusion that they control more than they do.
Oh, Deanna. So sad for her. A very very good piece and thank you for it.
It's ironic that people are quick to make the willpower/SAT connection when it suits them (even if it's a very minor difference), but not consider that high achievement in general is also an indication of willpower, albeit willpower applied to something other than weight. Yes, dear internet trolls, please tell me I have no self discipline when I have been working my ass off at other things for the last 35 years.
As an aside, who needs internet trolls when we get it from our relatives?!? Yesterday one of my friends received the following email from another friend's mom and I am just speechless with menopausal Gen X rage at the amount of fatshaming we received from our Silent Gen/early Boomer parents. (names changed just in case and no one mentioned in the email is diabetic or prediabetic)
-Dear Jenn,
So I’m sitting here remorseful after the 49er loss & then this diabetes ad appears. Heather’s weight is up, yours is up. Your old 2nd mom is worried about you both. Want you to live, long, healthy lives. Love you bunches-
Deanna girl, we’re all gonna die.
I have no idea what to call disability trolling, beyond bad manners or theatre of cruelty. Thank you for a great read. We need more people to do this analysis takedown in real life, and we need even more for people to listen and accept the research results.
What a perfect response to what is nothing more than a condescending lecture from a person seething with resentment yet inherited a thin and healthy body (and probably other forms of privilege, as evidenced by her tax comment). My mother is 92 and in great health. She hasn’t been thin since her 30s. She does all the “right” things but she realized long ago that fighting genetics is fraught with frustration. We all inherit a set of genes and grow up in environments over which we have zero control. If we start with that premise, perhaps we can kill the myth that thinness equals moral good.
This was a great article. I sent it to my middle-aged daughter, hoping my teen-aged granddaughter will read it -- and take it to heart -- as well.
We are a family of "hefty" women, though everyone of us -- even my mom and grandma -- tried not to be. Our meals are pretty healthful -- though we do like cookies -- and we're quite active -- though we are readers who sit at those times. And yet, we remain "hefty."
True story, if you like to laugh. After a head injury that caused loss of consciousness, I was sent to see a second neurologist for intractable headaches. My tests came back showing no problems. Honest to God, he told me they'd ease off if I lost weight! (Btw...Vit B-1 did the trick.)
Oh this line : You haven’t addressed me by name. (“Kate” is fine, by the way, though I always appreciate the courtesy of strangers who go with “Dr.” or “Professor.”) You haven’t included a greeting or salutation. 💛✨🫡