Ugh. I have all the sympathy. When I was in philosophy grad school in the 1980s, one of my fellow grad students was always beautifully dressed, coiffed, and made up. She was from the South, where dressing nicely is more common. Another woman in the department said, "She's obviously not concerned enough with the life of the mind, or she wouldn't spend so much time on her appearance." I really kind of wanted to punch her, but instead I just fell into a despairing slump about the impossibility of wearing *anything* without someone helpfully disparaging you for it. The men of course all just wore jeans and t-shirts.
Wow! What an exciting accomplishment! Big congrats.
FWIW, as an obese woman of advanced years, I have found Nordstrom's styling service to be extremely helpful. I had a phone convo with the stylist, told her the 3 events (formal, semi-formal and casual) i had to attend, and was upfront about my height and weight and a little description of likes and dislikes. I went to my appointment and had 3 dresses in less than 45 minutes. I don't know if i was lucky or if Nordstrom prides itself on doing this service well. I'm just suggesting you might give them a call and see if they can help. (The idea of doing it on my own was abhorrent to me).
A) Can your stylist (or you) contact Christian Soriano to make you a dress? I know he’s super famous and maybe it’s a long shot BUT he’s very size inclusive and this IS a red carpet event. Not suggesting you pay for a custom gown from famous designer but maybe would do a deal for this event. Maybe …
B) Can your stylist find a student at Parsons who would want to make you a custom gown for the publicity as long as you pay for materials?
C) Reformation has some beautiful dresses size 14-20 - not cheap at all but good quality.
D) Good fabric stores like Mood usually have info for good tailors who can custom make something. If your stylist is in NYC or LA, she should be able to find someone through one of the larger fabric stores.
E) The garment district in NYC is a great resource. The stores mostly look gaudy but there are (at least used to be) indie sample studios in those buildings (I used to design eco friendly clothing but couldn’t sew - thanks ADHD clumsiness - and used a great sample making shop in the garment district).
Not suggesting you spend more of your own time doing these searches but hopefully your stylist can or if you have friends in NYC who can go in for you. (If I still lived there I would totally do it for you as a favor because I am a big fan!)
3) I’ve gained a ton of weight in bursts suddenly a couple times over the years. One month at age 35 I gained almost 20 pounds without even realizing it until I tried on a dress I had fit a few weeks before and couldn’t event zip it. I had had it custom made for a fancy wedding and had to wear it but it took a lot of effort by my friend to zip me in and I could hardly breathe all night (it was Grecian style so the lower part was loose and fine but the seam around my ribs was crushing).
Only now do I realize this was the start of perimenopause.
Then in the past few months I’ve gained another 15 pounds - eating dessert every night with my elderly mom (who now for the first time in our lives weighs less than me).
Menopause really kicked my ass (and happened pretty early for me - most people think it’s much later). The weight gain around my stomach has been particularly soul crushing as it’s not just a change of size but the style of clothes I used to wear just doesn’t look good on me anymore. (I used to be pear shaped, now I’m just blob shaped). I went to a fundraiser for my non profit last month and can’t bear seeing the photos - I look so old and blobby. I’m not ok with my body shape at all - I wish I could be - I’m certainly accepting of everyone else’s - just very sad that I always thought I was fat and didn’t wear shorts or swimsuits when I was in my 20s and size 6 or in my 30s and size 10.
Long comment but if you read this far just want to say I’ve been a huge fan since Down Girl. I did a masters in Women’s Studies back in 1999 and am so gratified to see how far academia has come since then (even if still far to go).
Good luck finding the dress. Much love and respect.
arrow to the heart - "just very sad that I always thought I was fat and didn’t wear shorts or swimsuits when I was in my 20s and size 6 or in my 30s and size 10." I look back at the pictures. I was fine. What the hell. I try to remember that all the time and show myself and others the grace that i never gave myself back then. What a waste of the years!
Yeah - I saw a pic of myself in a bikini at 18 and was like whaaaaat?!?! I had this tiny little waist and I remember at the time all I could see was my big thighs and saddle bags - the saddle bags were so small! They were there but so small. The vitriolic hatred our culture has for any fat - even a couple inches of fat - even a little tiny curve of fat - is pathological!
I felt this so, so hard! Congratulations on the well-deserved nomination for a truly amazing book. I've also faced this issue of needing to find fancy clothes for an ever-changing body, and my advice:
-Nuuly is pretty great.
-following the letter of black tie rules is less important than feeling good and comfortable
I resonate with this! I am really truly mid-sized - about a 12-14 - but not very tall and struggling with that feeling that I should have grown five inches when I gained weight. Sometimes buying clothing can feel very complicated, but I know that in general, I have a lot of thin privilege.
Anyway, I wanted to shout out the brand byVINNIK, and especially the CollaVoce dress, which I own in blue and which is SO easy to wear and beautiful on all bodies (I've also seen some Elegownza dresses on Poshmark!). Suzanne is an opera singer who has transitioned into fashion design, and she's been really committed to size inclusivity and using models in a wide range of sizes and shapes on her website. https://www.byvinnik.com/collections/colla-voce-dresses
“I might even buy some backups in case they ever stop making any of them.”
I’ve done this with shoes (I have short, wide feet). In fact I do this with lots of things. Too often, these days, I go to buy something that “just works” and has been produced approximately ‘forever’ only to find it is no longer made or, worse, has been ‘improved’ so it’s no longer useful to me. I then have to go through the time-consuming process of finding a replacement. When I do: I buy backups. (I also buy backups of things that work fine - before they’re ‘improved’ or discontinued.)
Congratulations on the well-deserved nomination! I hope you can find something you feel wonderful wearing. I understand the dread. I must find a "summer black tie" evening gown for family wedding next summer in Miami (why??? so sweaty). The quandary as a plus size shopper is occupying my nightmares. Some labels I am researching thus far are Frances Valentine, Baacal, Pari Passu, Never Fully Dressed. GOOD LUCK AND ENJOY YOUR FLOWERS🤗
I totally forgot another idea - your stylist probably already told you about this but Rent the Runway is perfect for events like this. I have used it and have friends that use it all the time. They have all kinds of cocktail and black tie appropriate gowns and you pay to rent them for a few days rather than having to buy. They’ve always arrived clean and in good condition. Definitely worth checking out.
Oof. Almost every part of this was all too familiar. The larger body in academia (I had one professor in grad school who just couldn't stop making comments about my body, like it just didn't make sense to her), the wanting to just not stand out (I'm 6 feet tall, so nigh impossible really), and the formal gown search.... A dear friend decided to have a black tie wedding. I spent months scouring the Internet for something that would fit (width and length), was affordable, and didn't look cheap (so much class anxiety to unpack there). I finally decided to MAKE a formal gown. I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, but also so much stress. I was sewing things the day of the wedding and then spent the whole event being hyper-conscious of my dreams anyways. With some distance I'm pretty proud of that dress, but it came out of a lot of pain.
Oops. Hyper-conscious of my *dress. Also, congratulations on a well-deserved honor and I hope you enjoy it without being hyper-conscious of your clothes!
Ugh, the big body in academia is absolutely a thing. When I looked for jobs in the 90s there weren't a lot of women coming through on interviews in my field to begin with, but I was by far the biggest at a size 14 and average height.
Kate, you are amazing! I loved reading this essay, although I imagine that it was painful and infuriating to write. I do not have the experience of which you wrote, but I have experience with empathy, and sensing pain. I have a great deal of experience with frustration, also rage! So, once again, I applaud you and laugh with you to the extent you are laughing at the absurdity of this, and stand with you regarding the intensity of frustration you carry. You are the greatest.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes the privilege of just going out to buy a pretty dress and looking...like you belong in the setting. Mind you, I’m not sure that a book award will be as specific as regular upmarket academe? Good luck!
I find the UK brand Seasalt good for size inclusive quality fabrics and interesting designs. Though I haven’t bought their winter stock they do some velvets that could read black tie.
First, mazel tov, Kate, on this amazing, but so well-deserved honor! As to the clothing advice: my own approach, given a borderline fat and decidedly bottom-heavy body, has been to go for a slightly edgy look. A brand I love is Babette SF, sadly no longer in production, but with lots available on-line, especially on EBay. The clothes mostly have tiny tight pleats or otherwise interesting textures, tops (blouses, shells, and jackets) and bottoms (pants and skirts, though I don't wear skirts), and dresses. A long, flowy, pleated dress with an interestingly textured jacket and striking jewelry (one of my standard go-to's) would work fine. (and another advantage is that everything is very lightweight and can be scrunched into a suitcase). Good luck
I totally feel you on this. "I want to be able to send someone my measurements and an inspiration picture and receive a beautiful dress in the mail made for my exact size and shape" made me think of this: https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses?usage=Bridesmaid&sort=Topsellers eshakti sells formal dresses, made to order to your exact measurements, delivered in 2 - 4 weeks, so I think it's enough time for you to get it, especially if you rush shipping.
Ugh. I have all the sympathy. When I was in philosophy grad school in the 1980s, one of my fellow grad students was always beautifully dressed, coiffed, and made up. She was from the South, where dressing nicely is more common. Another woman in the department said, "She's obviously not concerned enough with the life of the mind, or she wouldn't spend so much time on her appearance." I really kind of wanted to punch her, but instead I just fell into a despairing slump about the impossibility of wearing *anything* without someone helpfully disparaging you for it. The men of course all just wore jeans and t-shirts.
Wow! What an exciting accomplishment! Big congrats.
FWIW, as an obese woman of advanced years, I have found Nordstrom's styling service to be extremely helpful. I had a phone convo with the stylist, told her the 3 events (formal, semi-formal and casual) i had to attend, and was upfront about my height and weight and a little description of likes and dislikes. I went to my appointment and had 3 dresses in less than 45 minutes. I don't know if i was lucky or if Nordstrom prides itself on doing this service well. I'm just suggesting you might give them a call and see if they can help. (The idea of doing it on my own was abhorrent to me).
Sending all my love and solidarity! Miranda July and Salman Rushdie will be so freaking lucky if they get to meet YOU.
1 - Huge congratulations!
2 - Some ideas:
A) Can your stylist (or you) contact Christian Soriano to make you a dress? I know he’s super famous and maybe it’s a long shot BUT he’s very size inclusive and this IS a red carpet event. Not suggesting you pay for a custom gown from famous designer but maybe would do a deal for this event. Maybe …
B) Can your stylist find a student at Parsons who would want to make you a custom gown for the publicity as long as you pay for materials?
C) Reformation has some beautiful dresses size 14-20 - not cheap at all but good quality.
D) Good fabric stores like Mood usually have info for good tailors who can custom make something. If your stylist is in NYC or LA, she should be able to find someone through one of the larger fabric stores.
E) The garment district in NYC is a great resource. The stores mostly look gaudy but there are (at least used to be) indie sample studios in those buildings (I used to design eco friendly clothing but couldn’t sew - thanks ADHD clumsiness - and used a great sample making shop in the garment district).
Not suggesting you spend more of your own time doing these searches but hopefully your stylist can or if you have friends in NYC who can go in for you. (If I still lived there I would totally do it for you as a favor because I am a big fan!)
3) I’ve gained a ton of weight in bursts suddenly a couple times over the years. One month at age 35 I gained almost 20 pounds without even realizing it until I tried on a dress I had fit a few weeks before and couldn’t event zip it. I had had it custom made for a fancy wedding and had to wear it but it took a lot of effort by my friend to zip me in and I could hardly breathe all night (it was Grecian style so the lower part was loose and fine but the seam around my ribs was crushing).
Only now do I realize this was the start of perimenopause.
Then in the past few months I’ve gained another 15 pounds - eating dessert every night with my elderly mom (who now for the first time in our lives weighs less than me).
Menopause really kicked my ass (and happened pretty early for me - most people think it’s much later). The weight gain around my stomach has been particularly soul crushing as it’s not just a change of size but the style of clothes I used to wear just doesn’t look good on me anymore. (I used to be pear shaped, now I’m just blob shaped). I went to a fundraiser for my non profit last month and can’t bear seeing the photos - I look so old and blobby. I’m not ok with my body shape at all - I wish I could be - I’m certainly accepting of everyone else’s - just very sad that I always thought I was fat and didn’t wear shorts or swimsuits when I was in my 20s and size 6 or in my 30s and size 10.
Long comment but if you read this far just want to say I’ve been a huge fan since Down Girl. I did a masters in Women’s Studies back in 1999 and am so gratified to see how far academia has come since then (even if still far to go).
Good luck finding the dress. Much love and respect.
arrow to the heart - "just very sad that I always thought I was fat and didn’t wear shorts or swimsuits when I was in my 20s and size 6 or in my 30s and size 10." I look back at the pictures. I was fine. What the hell. I try to remember that all the time and show myself and others the grace that i never gave myself back then. What a waste of the years!
Yeah - I saw a pic of myself in a bikini at 18 and was like whaaaaat?!?! I had this tiny little waist and I remember at the time all I could see was my big thighs and saddle bags - the saddle bags were so small! They were there but so small. The vitriolic hatred our culture has for any fat - even a couple inches of fat - even a little tiny curve of fat - is pathological!
I felt this so, so hard! Congratulations on the well-deserved nomination for a truly amazing book. I've also faced this issue of needing to find fancy clothes for an ever-changing body, and my advice:
-Nuuly is pretty great.
-following the letter of black tie rules is less important than feeling good and comfortable
-if you can you should splurge on a fun clutch or something that is totally non-body-size related that ups your outfit joy. (Mine: https://olympialetan.com/products/homer-the-odyssey)
Good luck, and enjoy being surrounded by other brilliant writers!
I resonate with this! I am really truly mid-sized - about a 12-14 - but not very tall and struggling with that feeling that I should have grown five inches when I gained weight. Sometimes buying clothing can feel very complicated, but I know that in general, I have a lot of thin privilege.
Anyway, I wanted to shout out the brand byVINNIK, and especially the CollaVoce dress, which I own in blue and which is SO easy to wear and beautiful on all bodies (I've also seen some Elegownza dresses on Poshmark!). Suzanne is an opera singer who has transitioned into fashion design, and she's been really committed to size inclusivity and using models in a wide range of sizes and shapes on her website. https://www.byvinnik.com/collections/colla-voce-dresses
“I might even buy some backups in case they ever stop making any of them.”
I’ve done this with shoes (I have short, wide feet). In fact I do this with lots of things. Too often, these days, I go to buy something that “just works” and has been produced approximately ‘forever’ only to find it is no longer made or, worse, has been ‘improved’ so it’s no longer useful to me. I then have to go through the time-consuming process of finding a replacement. When I do: I buy backups. (I also buy backups of things that work fine - before they’re ‘improved’ or discontinued.)
Congratulations on the well-deserved nomination! I hope you can find something you feel wonderful wearing. I understand the dread. I must find a "summer black tie" evening gown for family wedding next summer in Miami (why??? so sweaty). The quandary as a plus size shopper is occupying my nightmares. Some labels I am researching thus far are Frances Valentine, Baacal, Pari Passu, Never Fully Dressed. GOOD LUCK AND ENJOY YOUR FLOWERS🤗
I totally forgot another idea - your stylist probably already told you about this but Rent the Runway is perfect for events like this. I have used it and have friends that use it all the time. They have all kinds of cocktail and black tie appropriate gowns and you pay to rent them for a few days rather than having to buy. They’ve always arrived clean and in good condition. Definitely worth checking out.
Oof. Almost every part of this was all too familiar. The larger body in academia (I had one professor in grad school who just couldn't stop making comments about my body, like it just didn't make sense to her), the wanting to just not stand out (I'm 6 feet tall, so nigh impossible really), and the formal gown search.... A dear friend decided to have a black tie wedding. I spent months scouring the Internet for something that would fit (width and length), was affordable, and didn't look cheap (so much class anxiety to unpack there). I finally decided to MAKE a formal gown. I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, but also so much stress. I was sewing things the day of the wedding and then spent the whole event being hyper-conscious of my dreams anyways. With some distance I'm pretty proud of that dress, but it came out of a lot of pain.
Oops. Hyper-conscious of my *dress. Also, congratulations on a well-deserved honor and I hope you enjoy it without being hyper-conscious of your clothes!
Ugh, the big body in academia is absolutely a thing. When I looked for jobs in the 90s there weren't a lot of women coming through on interviews in my field to begin with, but I was by far the biggest at a size 14 and average height.
https://www.whitneymero.com/collections/everything
(she customizes so maybe not enough time but these dresses make everyone look amazing; shake up black tie!)
And I’m so sorry!
Kate, you are amazing! I loved reading this essay, although I imagine that it was painful and infuriating to write. I do not have the experience of which you wrote, but I have experience with empathy, and sensing pain. I have a great deal of experience with frustration, also rage! So, once again, I applaud you and laugh with you to the extent you are laughing at the absurdity of this, and stand with you regarding the intensity of frustration you carry. You are the greatest.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes the privilege of just going out to buy a pretty dress and looking...like you belong in the setting. Mind you, I’m not sure that a book award will be as specific as regular upmarket academe? Good luck!
I find the UK brand Seasalt good for size inclusive quality fabrics and interesting designs. Though I haven’t bought their winter stock they do some velvets that could read black tie.
Congratulations… I know you belong there, and I hope you’re able to forget all the noise and enjoy the event. You are remarkable…
First, mazel tov, Kate, on this amazing, but so well-deserved honor! As to the clothing advice: my own approach, given a borderline fat and decidedly bottom-heavy body, has been to go for a slightly edgy look. A brand I love is Babette SF, sadly no longer in production, but with lots available on-line, especially on EBay. The clothes mostly have tiny tight pleats or otherwise interesting textures, tops (blouses, shells, and jackets) and bottoms (pants and skirts, though I don't wear skirts), and dresses. A long, flowy, pleated dress with an interestingly textured jacket and striking jewelry (one of my standard go-to's) would work fine. (and another advantage is that everything is very lightweight and can be scrunched into a suitcase). Good luck
I totally feel you on this. "I want to be able to send someone my measurements and an inspiration picture and receive a beautiful dress in the mail made for my exact size and shape" made me think of this: https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses?usage=Bridesmaid&sort=Topsellers eshakti sells formal dresses, made to order to your exact measurements, delivered in 2 - 4 weeks, so I think it's enough time for you to get it, especially if you rush shipping.
Thank you! So sad to post this: https://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/whats-going-on-with-eshakti/
What a huge bummer! Thanks for the PSA. I had several dresses in my cart that I was planning to buy.
😢
Personally I like this one for a November event because of the long sleeves, the color, and sequins: https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/-Sequin-mesh-faux-wrap-dress-CL0097506?view_source=regular&index=16 A lot of the dupioni dresses also look elegant and timeless: https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Jasmine-dress-CL0088398?view_source=regular&index=50 Choose the button for "custom size" to enter your exact measurements.