As a mom who tries very hard to put my ethics over compliance signaling, I feel very lonely.
I speak up at the PTA meeting (at our public CA school) that 1/3 of our fundraising (tens of thousands of dollars) goes to a for-profit company in Georgia whose conservative rich white male owners do not believe in public education, and no one cares.
I refuse to participate in Ivy League Preschool Syndrome where parents spend all their resources paying for and driving their kids to activities, which means my kids have a hard time finding play dates where kids, for free, play soccer or legos in their neighborhood.
My spouse is the stay at home dad and I’m the working mom and there are no other parents like that, but it’s so important to us that our kids see busted stereotypes. It’s hard to find parent couple friends.
Thanks to KM and many others I have stopped caring about the male gaze, but because I’m naturally thin and love running, it looks like I am putting in the effort to attract the gaze of those husbands many of whom are in my field of work (tech).
I am so lonely and I wish I could find more non-compliance moms. I feel I’m the type of person that inspires others to be compliant because they don’t want to be like me, they want to bond together because it’s natural not to want to be the outsider like me.
Really though my issue is how judgmental I am (see above!) and that really turns people off, ooof.
I have a great life, I really do, I am happy with who I am and my family but I feel so alone in my community and I don’t know what to do about it except to raise my kids in a way they can recognize and change our cultural problems.
I feel this so much Claire. We moved to a more rural area during the pandemic and I just haven’t really found my people. I’m around 10 years older than most of the mums, have only 1 child, and work full time. I do pick ups on Friday, and feel like I’m entering the high school cafeteria… I’ll be the squeaky wheel - the person to complain about smoking on the playground and tell people off for being horrible on the group chat, which also doesn’t help.
I feel you Coree!!! Yes, it feels so much like high school again- I feel that same sense of unease. I try to remember that in high school, I don't know if I was liked, but I know I was respected, and perhaps that's what parenting groups will be like too, and I'm okay with it.
If you have any tips on how to find your people IRL, please fill me in. I feel like any time I find a great potential mom friend, she's super busy and has no time for hangs. Which is so true, what working mom with a full life has any chunks of time leftover.
Sarah, thanks for taking an interest!! The company is called Boosterthon and they organize a Fun Run at the school where kids earn pledges by running in circles. https://www.choosebooster.com/leadership
Here are some of the CFO's retweets (I'm not a journalist, I can't confirm that it is truly his account but the twitter photo matches his linkedin page which matches the company page.)
TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANTI-LGBTQIA VITRIOL.
-------
* "Men in dresses are not a marginalised community nor a vulnerable population. They are often entitled narcissists who enjoy ignoring women’s boundaries."
* "I have a controversial idea about paying off student loan debt: don't take out debt you will likely be unable to pay off, and don't ask others to pay off your debts." [What a privileged position to take by a rich white man]
* "This year, we worked in a bipartisan fashion to pass the largest income tax cut in GA history. Two times now, @staceyabrams refused to say if she supports it. Abrams knows she will raise your taxes to make you pay for her extreme agenda. But she doesn’t think you deserve to know." [SA is super pro-public education.]
* "It's simple: Life is a constitutional right. Abortion isn't."
-------
I've listened to a few podcasts where the CEO and CFO are interviewed and they are super religious (nothing wrong with that unless you infringe on other people's rights) and started a private Christian high school in their community. From the above tweets I'm guessing it's not a school for kids who needs loans, want to learn about science, get raped and impregnated, and are not cis gendered and heterosexual.
So, our diverse community raises many TENS of thousands of dollars every year for this for-profit private company so they can advocate for "school choice" aka taking away public school funding. It disgusts me. The Boosterthon "curriculum" is during school hours for a week and my children are being asked by the school to raise money for a private for-profit company. How is this legal? Isn't child labor outlawed? 1/3 of every dollar my daughters' raise goes through this CFO who doesn't believe they have autonomy over their body and I get a truancy letter if I don't let them go to school in protest.
Problem is, the principal and teachers LOVE the fundraiser because it is successful and the PTA has a lot of money and do great things like pay for every kid's school supplies, a PE teacher, etc.
Oy. This is totally awful. Seems like a great story for John Oliver. I don't think our schools in my district use this, usually it's direct donation. I will keep my eyes open. And, since I'm not performing compliance by going to the PTA meetings (too busy covering the needs of my AuDHD teen that the school fails to cover) my concern won't be recognized. I appreciate you taking your valuable time and effort to fill me in.
So good to hear this and so true because I lived this. I called it the "good girl" pressure that I grew up with. I can say with all the pitfalls of menopause (feeling like you're being burned alive at random intervals and tendons snapping like twigs) that you can just finally let yourself and everything go... menopause has sapped my ability to care about all that in a great way. It may have taken me this long to realize it but I'm so happy my daughter got there much faster. I bought her a necklace that says "be kind" and when you open it up it says "of a bitch".
I wanted to touch on the drug issue since I have T2D that I manage w/o drugs. I think what hasn't been said enough is that there is zero, zip, nada research on THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF USING THE DRUG. Anyone taking those drugs now ARE the guinea pigs. A couple of days ago I saw an article where a woman is suing because she lost her colon which she attributes to taking Ozempic. 😿 And the fat shaming continues. With everyone on the low carb/look fantastic kick they still call people "too fat" because even though the disease/health issues are managed and overall blood work is good if a person is still not muscle bound/hottie thin enough they must not be doing it right or following it strictly enough. 😮💨
CBG monitors that would make continual pricking of your fingers obsolete are NOT covered by insurance for T2D but will be sold OTC by next year for $100/mo. That's an estimated 138 million T2D and preT2D people who need to control their blood sugar or see how their body reacts to their current diet unable to unless they have the money. A bright note is a group of Drs and researchers are pushing back and have founded a 100% transparent American Diabetes Society that is not funded by any corporate money. The chapter you wrote on diabetes in the new book was really good!! It's one of the only instances where I've seen the point that controlling blood sugars does not correspond to weight!
Oooh I love that! I need to get that quote on something. For today though, at 62, I just got my hair dyed fuchsia. Being mostly retired, I have no more shits to give about OPO, other people's opinions.
Hear, hear! So much in this piece. Thank you for pulling over to examine the things that we as women just perform out of habit (i.e., conditioning). "Here's a cookie! Woof! Good girl! Oh, too many cookies, chubby McChubbers, how 'bout a different reward? That's right, we'll train you to keep yourself performing misogynistic tricks with a cycle of self-induced gaslighting, questioning your intrinsic worth as a human, while we go have beer and relax. Bring us some snacks?"
wow. conspicuous compliance. you are adding so much to my vocabulary to help me explain the ineffable experiences i have as a woman in this world. so that is my first comment: thank you.
my second comment is that this starts to feel less optional when you have a child who does not fit within the mold that school presents. i say this as a mom of three, the youngest of whom struggled in school in more ways than i can put in a comment on the internet. but it was a WILD change when school secretaries went from greeting me with a smile (i was one of the "good" moms) to a grunt (clearly there was a problem at home for my child to be so out-of-pocket). as a recovering perfectionist myself, i only upped my conspicuous compliance, submitting to school parent traditions i had previously avoided as being tew much.
It seems like this also extends to the gender of the child. It would never occur to me to order unicorn labels for my son because there isn’t the external pressure to be the kind of mom that makes things pretty for him. And maybe it should because he also likes unicorns!
While also unknowingly conditioning the girl child to expect conformation for herself... And maybe for a son to see the effort & results & learn to Expext it... I'm sending this to my 2 Daughters!!
This is challenging, and I appreciate that. My own (admittedly often conspicuous) compliance has always felt like it was derived from a sense of "who am I to break any rules, or imagine they don't apply to me?" It's always felt like those with more privilege can clamor around ignoring the specifics, and that everyone else would play cleanup to their efforts, often without their awareness of extra labor needed to bring things into compliance. Your analysis sees power working in a different direction, and it's something I'm going to think about for a while.
I totally hear this. I'm trying here to draw a distinction between norms that matter and norms that don't (or where slightly bending the norm, by having a box that is just slightly oversize, doesn't negatively affect anyone else or risk a riot).
Yes. I was reminded reading this of my fear of breaching unwritten rules. This used to rear up in new situations but in midlife and yes, post-menopause, not at all now. And it is women’s burden—my husband says ‘Just ask questions!’, a response that shows an easy assumption that he won’t be judged. And your thoughts on taking an ‘easy option’ reminded me of the policing of using epidurals!
My two boys are now 17 and 24. As I read this, I am horrified at the realization that I too am / was a HUGE compliance signaler. I am a bit ashamed and quite embarassed and also agree with this insight about signaling 3000%. In particular, I consciously thought to myself (at many points during the public school years) that this extra work and worry is what lets the teachers know that I am paying attention. But I had not considered how much that was an expression of privilege nor had I considered that it is also a way to avoid undue attraction from the patriarchy (see see world, I am being a good mom, a good daughter, a good girl cuz I am SO following the rules). Wow, incredible insights. Just wish I had more of this awareness during my kids’ younger years as I totally burned myself out as a mom and missed a lot of quality time with them cuz I was doing my version of custom Etsy nametags. Thanks as always for these critical insights, Kate!!
Very interesting. I think, as a mum with ADHD and autism, I often don't even notice the rules to which I am supposed to comply. In addition to having executive functioning issues that prevent me from sometimes even knowing that there are rules to which I was expected to comply, or being organised enough to comply, I also often feel a strong impulse to reject or push against rules that feel like they exist purely for the sake of control. I frequently feel, simultaneously, like I'm failing as a mum, and like I'm living in a world that is set up to make us fail as mums. How can we win!? Shrug, I move on. I do not have the brain capacity for all of the overthinking I do. Thank you for your writing.
I am the same! There are a lot of benefits to blissful ignorance in this regard. That said, I have been blessed with great mom friends who fill in important gaps and there is always the weight feeling like I might be failing my kids by not understanding all these invisible rules.
BUT.... MAYBE... we are ignorantly modelling non-conformity which will help them to not take on the expectations that society places on us. I'm always looking for the silver lining, else the perception of disappointment or failure can feel quite heavy.
Your mom friends sound like true gems. I don't know how I would function without mine! Go you. (Go us!)
Yes and yes!! Knowing that you can choose which rules to follow is important. That said, as I like to tell my similarly contrarian child, if you wear your shirt inside out and backward I’m ok with that - as long as you are aware of the message you are sending and making the choice to send it.
As the mom of a massively gifted teen with AuDHD and a 504, who really should have an IEP, I feel like I have to demonstrate my compliance so that I can get my son what he needs from a system that fails him in so many ways. If one is considered "functional" enough, schools and public agencies can deny support. It helps my son get the best support possible when I make the donations, bring the staff flowers, write the thank you emails, show up at the various things parents are 'supposed' to show up for.
Thanks for sharing so honestly! I find for me that recognizing how this conspicuous compliance is directly tied to conspicuous consumption—name tags, the right lunch boxes, the new backpacks, the endless ways capitalism and sexism collide—rly helps me to divest!
I hear you and I recognize myself. However, as an immigrant parent with a heavy accent that is seen suspiciously from the start (and so is my child!) I have to go the extra mile just to have them treated like all the others, hopefully. For the ones labeled as insufficient for the standard from the start because of prejudice, the non-compliance rebellion would just be the nail in the coffin. The option to opt out without consequence is where the real privilege is found.
It’s funny bc my mother was an immigrant parent, and she behaved exactly the opposite.( she was white but had a distinct accent). She never engaged in conspicuous compliance, almost as a point of pride. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, although I never had the teem “conspicuous compliance” to apply to it. I’m not sure if she just didn’t see these expectations for moms or if she saw them but ignored them. What I remember is that she thought that the only important thing was that I be an excellent student and well behaved. But she never engaged in these little behaviors, never introduced herself to the teacher.
I feel like the culture in Germany leaves me no choice. Studies show here that the “Elternhaus” or who your parents are still has the biggest influence on children’s success chances. Other studies show that children of immigrants are graded with lesser grades for the same mistakes as children of people without immigration history. We also have one of the worst social mobility indexes here for the same overall reason. I am curious how it will all go, right now I’m just trying to go my best.
I love this, Kate, as I've loved all your posts here. Tom and I just drove down to Princeton earlier this week, because we're both teaching here this term, and your post reminds me of when Gabe was in second grade in the Princeton public school system and Tom and I were both working full-time here with the same teaching load. A message from the school was emailed to me (not Tom), urging me to sign up for a wide range of time-consuming volunteer positions at the school, including playground monitor and lunchroom monitor. The email listed those who currently or recently held more than a dozen such positions—and they all had names that were typically women's names! Given that Princeton is an extremely wealthy town with high property taxes, I was not only stunned by their claim to need so much volunteer labor, but angry that they expected moms, and only moms, to provide it. This was in striking contrast with the elementary school in our small, not-at-all wealthy town in rural Vermont where parents weren't expected to provide so much volunteer labor and where moms and dads who wanted to volunteer for things—because it was fun!—did so more-or-less equally. This was one, among many, reasons why we decided Gabe would continue his schooling in VT and NH, not NJ. Tom, like Daniel, has always been totally committed to equal co-parenting, and I agree that takes more effort on the part of all of us than should be required. I'm dismayed that the norms haven't changed more in the last couple of decades.
Argh, this is so incredibly frustrating. I worked out of the country (oh the joys of precarious academia) when my son started school. They called despite my husband being listed as CALL FIRST, and I said “I’m a plane ride away…”. Now he gets all the calls, thank goodness. I do joke that the PTA stalwarts are 10 mums and my husband.
This article is fascinating, Kate. I remember parents who were very disciplined about placing name tags on each item, which I did not do; but I also remember being attentive to what I was doing in order that my ways, habits and reliability were apparent to teachers, school administrators, and other parents - so that I would be recognized as a competent, and therefore worthy, parent.
Your essay also reminded me of something I recently read about prospective compliance being an attribute of people who were subject to the dictates of an oppressive government in order to insulate, or vaccinate, themselves against potential assault by those who are part of an authoritarian power. I confess that I have done that … out of fear and as a result of feeling powerless. You are not expressing that kind of compliance, IMHO, but I know I've done it, and I can relate it to my wanting to be accepted as adequate and okay. I shudder as I recall so much of my past motives and behavior.
Yes, and let's also remember that having the freedom to not conform is a privilege. Not everyone can shrug off a lost item of kids clothing. They cost money. Sometimes a lot of money. You don't want to create a situation where kids with unlabeled clothes are now signaling higher privileges. You also dont want to signal to the teachers that you are willfully ignoring a practice that makes their jobs easier. They dont get paid enough to worry about whether you get paid enough to replace that sock. So maybe don't put down that sharpie, but also don't stress about it either. Great essay overall though. Definitely worth thinking about which norms we conform to and why, and who benefits.
"The question, I suppose, is whether these rewards are worth having"
This immediately called to my mind the "patriarchy prizes" theory that I first read about in Virgie Tovar's work and I believe she coined as well. It uses the metaphor of going to the arcade as a kid and spending all your tokens and strategy to get tickets only to be rewarded with the massively underwhelming prizes of a pencil and a single piece of candy.
Secondly, I have to wonder how neurodivergence and specifically autism play into compliance. Outside of health and safety, how do you discern which expectations to comply to and which not to when they all seem arbitrary and ridiculous? Especially when you're already putting so much effort into masking.
I think maybe I’m neurodivergent, or just a rebel. Once I figured out that because schools are largely run by women, who largely bend over backwards to comply with and cater to men, it was game over for me. I just told my husband it was in our kids’ best interest for him to deal with all school officials. I did transport, etc. Call it an experiment. The results were crazy. Any problem, he would call up and say, let’s do this, or kid needs that, and *magic wand!* it was done. I wish I’d figured it out sooner, but I also was never one to signal compliance anyway.
Yeh I send my conventionally attractive white husband in my place when I know it’ll give us a leg up. It’s not great for my self esteem and doesn’t send the message to my son that I’d like to, but, results.
It made me mad, too. But then, I just didn't have the energy--there was a lot of challenge in my life at that time--and I just went with the thing that worked best. I suppose you might be actually angry at me, at which point, I don't know what to say. It was not something I was happy about. I'm just being honest, because it might be that someone else can use that to their advantage in a hard situation.
Whew! A little context--I live in a rural and tight knit community. I would have more influence if I were "from" here, but I've only lived here since my early twenties (just thirty years).
As a mom who tries very hard to put my ethics over compliance signaling, I feel very lonely.
I speak up at the PTA meeting (at our public CA school) that 1/3 of our fundraising (tens of thousands of dollars) goes to a for-profit company in Georgia whose conservative rich white male owners do not believe in public education, and no one cares.
I refuse to participate in Ivy League Preschool Syndrome where parents spend all their resources paying for and driving their kids to activities, which means my kids have a hard time finding play dates where kids, for free, play soccer or legos in their neighborhood.
My spouse is the stay at home dad and I’m the working mom and there are no other parents like that, but it’s so important to us that our kids see busted stereotypes. It’s hard to find parent couple friends.
Thanks to KM and many others I have stopped caring about the male gaze, but because I’m naturally thin and love running, it looks like I am putting in the effort to attract the gaze of those husbands many of whom are in my field of work (tech).
I am so lonely and I wish I could find more non-compliance moms. I feel I’m the type of person that inspires others to be compliant because they don’t want to be like me, they want to bond together because it’s natural not to want to be the outsider like me.
Really though my issue is how judgmental I am (see above!) and that really turns people off, ooof.
I have a great life, I really do, I am happy with who I am and my family but I feel so alone in my community and I don’t know what to do about it except to raise my kids in a way they can recognize and change our cultural problems.
I feel this so much Claire. We moved to a more rural area during the pandemic and I just haven’t really found my people. I’m around 10 years older than most of the mums, have only 1 child, and work full time. I do pick ups on Friday, and feel like I’m entering the high school cafeteria… I’ll be the squeaky wheel - the person to complain about smoking on the playground and tell people off for being horrible on the group chat, which also doesn’t help.
I feel you Coree!!! Yes, it feels so much like high school again- I feel that same sense of unease. I try to remember that in high school, I don't know if I was liked, but I know I was respected, and perhaps that's what parenting groups will be like too, and I'm okay with it.
If you have any tips on how to find your people IRL, please fill me in. I feel like any time I find a great potential mom friend, she's super busy and has no time for hangs. Which is so true, what working mom with a full life has any chunks of time leftover.
what is the company in georgia? perhaps this is happening in my CA district.
Sarah, thanks for taking an interest!! The company is called Boosterthon and they organize a Fun Run at the school where kids earn pledges by running in circles. https://www.choosebooster.com/leadership
Here are some of the CFO's retweets (I'm not a journalist, I can't confirm that it is truly his account but the twitter photo matches his linkedin page which matches the company page.)
TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANTI-LGBTQIA VITRIOL.
-------
* "Men in dresses are not a marginalised community nor a vulnerable population. They are often entitled narcissists who enjoy ignoring women’s boundaries."
* "I have a controversial idea about paying off student loan debt: don't take out debt you will likely be unable to pay off, and don't ask others to pay off your debts." [What a privileged position to take by a rich white man]
* "This year, we worked in a bipartisan fashion to pass the largest income tax cut in GA history. Two times now, @staceyabrams refused to say if she supports it. Abrams knows she will raise your taxes to make you pay for her extreme agenda. But she doesn’t think you deserve to know." [SA is super pro-public education.]
* "It's simple: Life is a constitutional right. Abortion isn't."
-------
I've listened to a few podcasts where the CEO and CFO are interviewed and they are super religious (nothing wrong with that unless you infringe on other people's rights) and started a private Christian high school in their community. From the above tweets I'm guessing it's not a school for kids who needs loans, want to learn about science, get raped and impregnated, and are not cis gendered and heterosexual.
So, our diverse community raises many TENS of thousands of dollars every year for this for-profit private company so they can advocate for "school choice" aka taking away public school funding. It disgusts me. The Boosterthon "curriculum" is during school hours for a week and my children are being asked by the school to raise money for a private for-profit company. How is this legal? Isn't child labor outlawed? 1/3 of every dollar my daughters' raise goes through this CFO who doesn't believe they have autonomy over their body and I get a truancy letter if I don't let them go to school in protest.
Problem is, the principal and teachers LOVE the fundraiser because it is successful and the PTA has a lot of money and do great things like pay for every kid's school supplies, a PE teacher, etc.
Oy. This is totally awful. Seems like a great story for John Oliver. I don't think our schools in my district use this, usually it's direct donation. I will keep my eyes open. And, since I'm not performing compliance by going to the PTA meetings (too busy covering the needs of my AuDHD teen that the school fails to cover) my concern won't be recognized. I appreciate you taking your valuable time and effort to fill me in.
So good to hear this and so true because I lived this. I called it the "good girl" pressure that I grew up with. I can say with all the pitfalls of menopause (feeling like you're being burned alive at random intervals and tendons snapping like twigs) that you can just finally let yourself and everything go... menopause has sapped my ability to care about all that in a great way. It may have taken me this long to realize it but I'm so happy my daughter got there much faster. I bought her a necklace that says "be kind" and when you open it up it says "of a bitch".
😄❤️
I wanted to touch on the drug issue since I have T2D that I manage w/o drugs. I think what hasn't been said enough is that there is zero, zip, nada research on THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF USING THE DRUG. Anyone taking those drugs now ARE the guinea pigs. A couple of days ago I saw an article where a woman is suing because she lost her colon which she attributes to taking Ozempic. 😿 And the fat shaming continues. With everyone on the low carb/look fantastic kick they still call people "too fat" because even though the disease/health issues are managed and overall blood work is good if a person is still not muscle bound/hottie thin enough they must not be doing it right or following it strictly enough. 😮💨
CBG monitors that would make continual pricking of your fingers obsolete are NOT covered by insurance for T2D but will be sold OTC by next year for $100/mo. That's an estimated 138 million T2D and preT2D people who need to control their blood sugar or see how their body reacts to their current diet unable to unless they have the money. A bright note is a group of Drs and researchers are pushing back and have founded a 100% transparent American Diabetes Society that is not funded by any corporate money. The chapter you wrote on diabetes in the new book was really good!! It's one of the only instances where I've seen the point that controlling blood sugars does not correspond to weight!
Oooh I love that! I need to get that quote on something. For today though, at 62, I just got my hair dyed fuchsia. Being mostly retired, I have no more shits to give about OPO, other people's opinions.
Omg. Guffawed out loud!! Got to get these for all my friends (it took awhile but I did find fellow moms who call things like they are)
“I bought her a necklace that says "be kind" and when you open it up it says "of a bitch".”
Hear, hear! So much in this piece. Thank you for pulling over to examine the things that we as women just perform out of habit (i.e., conditioning). "Here's a cookie! Woof! Good girl! Oh, too many cookies, chubby McChubbers, how 'bout a different reward? That's right, we'll train you to keep yourself performing misogynistic tricks with a cycle of self-induced gaslighting, questioning your intrinsic worth as a human, while we go have beer and relax. Bring us some snacks?"
Omg this. Thank you for putting it so well! ❤️
I may need to copy and paste this into a note for safekeeping. Damn well said.
wow. conspicuous compliance. you are adding so much to my vocabulary to help me explain the ineffable experiences i have as a woman in this world. so that is my first comment: thank you.
my second comment is that this starts to feel less optional when you have a child who does not fit within the mold that school presents. i say this as a mom of three, the youngest of whom struggled in school in more ways than i can put in a comment on the internet. but it was a WILD change when school secretaries went from greeting me with a smile (i was one of the "good" moms) to a grunt (clearly there was a problem at home for my child to be so out-of-pocket). as a recovering perfectionist myself, i only upped my conspicuous compliance, submitting to school parent traditions i had previously avoided as being tew much.
thank you again for sharing.
My experience is similar.
Ilana, I 100% relate to this. Thank you for putting that into words.
It seems like this also extends to the gender of the child. It would never occur to me to order unicorn labels for my son because there isn’t the external pressure to be the kind of mom that makes things pretty for him. And maybe it should because he also likes unicorns!
Oof good point. I bet this is part of it. Thanks!
While also unknowingly conditioning the girl child to expect conformation for herself... And maybe for a son to see the effort & results & learn to Expext it... I'm sending this to my 2 Daughters!!
This is challenging, and I appreciate that. My own (admittedly often conspicuous) compliance has always felt like it was derived from a sense of "who am I to break any rules, or imagine they don't apply to me?" It's always felt like those with more privilege can clamor around ignoring the specifics, and that everyone else would play cleanup to their efforts, often without their awareness of extra labor needed to bring things into compliance. Your analysis sees power working in a different direction, and it's something I'm going to think about for a while.
I totally hear this. I'm trying here to draw a distinction between norms that matter and norms that don't (or where slightly bending the norm, by having a box that is just slightly oversize, doesn't negatively affect anyone else or risk a riot).
Yes. I was reminded reading this of my fear of breaching unwritten rules. This used to rear up in new situations but in midlife and yes, post-menopause, not at all now. And it is women’s burden—my husband says ‘Just ask questions!’, a response that shows an easy assumption that he won’t be judged. And your thoughts on taking an ‘easy option’ reminded me of the policing of using epidurals!
My two boys are now 17 and 24. As I read this, I am horrified at the realization that I too am / was a HUGE compliance signaler. I am a bit ashamed and quite embarassed and also agree with this insight about signaling 3000%. In particular, I consciously thought to myself (at many points during the public school years) that this extra work and worry is what lets the teachers know that I am paying attention. But I had not considered how much that was an expression of privilege nor had I considered that it is also a way to avoid undue attraction from the patriarchy (see see world, I am being a good mom, a good daughter, a good girl cuz I am SO following the rules). Wow, incredible insights. Just wish I had more of this awareness during my kids’ younger years as I totally burned myself out as a mom and missed a lot of quality time with them cuz I was doing my version of custom Etsy nametags. Thanks as always for these critical insights, Kate!!
Very interesting. I think, as a mum with ADHD and autism, I often don't even notice the rules to which I am supposed to comply. In addition to having executive functioning issues that prevent me from sometimes even knowing that there are rules to which I was expected to comply, or being organised enough to comply, I also often feel a strong impulse to reject or push against rules that feel like they exist purely for the sake of control. I frequently feel, simultaneously, like I'm failing as a mum, and like I'm living in a world that is set up to make us fail as mums. How can we win!? Shrug, I move on. I do not have the brain capacity for all of the overthinking I do. Thank you for your writing.
I am the same! There are a lot of benefits to blissful ignorance in this regard. That said, I have been blessed with great mom friends who fill in important gaps and there is always the weight feeling like I might be failing my kids by not understanding all these invisible rules.
BUT.... MAYBE... we are ignorantly modelling non-conformity which will help them to not take on the expectations that society places on us. I'm always looking for the silver lining, else the perception of disappointment or failure can feel quite heavy.
Your mom friends sound like true gems. I don't know how I would function without mine! Go you. (Go us!)
Yes and yes!! Knowing that you can choose which rules to follow is important. That said, as I like to tell my similarly contrarian child, if you wear your shirt inside out and backward I’m ok with that - as long as you are aware of the message you are sending and making the choice to send it.
As the mom of a massively gifted teen with AuDHD and a 504, who really should have an IEP, I feel like I have to demonstrate my compliance so that I can get my son what he needs from a system that fails him in so many ways. If one is considered "functional" enough, schools and public agencies can deny support. It helps my son get the best support possible when I make the donations, bring the staff flowers, write the thank you emails, show up at the various things parents are 'supposed' to show up for.
Thanks for sharing so honestly! I find for me that recognizing how this conspicuous compliance is directly tied to conspicuous consumption—name tags, the right lunch boxes, the new backpacks, the endless ways capitalism and sexism collide—rly helps me to divest!
Yes! I wanted to mention how tied to consumerism a lot of these expectations are
I hear you and I recognize myself. However, as an immigrant parent with a heavy accent that is seen suspiciously from the start (and so is my child!) I have to go the extra mile just to have them treated like all the others, hopefully. For the ones labeled as insufficient for the standard from the start because of prejudice, the non-compliance rebellion would just be the nail in the coffin. The option to opt out without consequence is where the real privilege is found.
It’s funny bc my mother was an immigrant parent, and she behaved exactly the opposite.( she was white but had a distinct accent). She never engaged in conspicuous compliance, almost as a point of pride. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, although I never had the teem “conspicuous compliance” to apply to it. I’m not sure if she just didn’t see these expectations for moms or if she saw them but ignored them. What I remember is that she thought that the only important thing was that I be an excellent student and well behaved. But she never engaged in these little behaviors, never introduced herself to the teacher.
I feel like the culture in Germany leaves me no choice. Studies show here that the “Elternhaus” or who your parents are still has the biggest influence on children’s success chances. Other studies show that children of immigrants are graded with lesser grades for the same mistakes as children of people without immigration history. We also have one of the worst social mobility indexes here for the same overall reason. I am curious how it will all go, right now I’m just trying to go my best.
I love this, Kate, as I've loved all your posts here. Tom and I just drove down to Princeton earlier this week, because we're both teaching here this term, and your post reminds me of when Gabe was in second grade in the Princeton public school system and Tom and I were both working full-time here with the same teaching load. A message from the school was emailed to me (not Tom), urging me to sign up for a wide range of time-consuming volunteer positions at the school, including playground monitor and lunchroom monitor. The email listed those who currently or recently held more than a dozen such positions—and they all had names that were typically women's names! Given that Princeton is an extremely wealthy town with high property taxes, I was not only stunned by their claim to need so much volunteer labor, but angry that they expected moms, and only moms, to provide it. This was in striking contrast with the elementary school in our small, not-at-all wealthy town in rural Vermont where parents weren't expected to provide so much volunteer labor and where moms and dads who wanted to volunteer for things—because it was fun!—did so more-or-less equally. This was one, among many, reasons why we decided Gabe would continue his schooling in VT and NH, not NJ. Tom, like Daniel, has always been totally committed to equal co-parenting, and I agree that takes more effort on the part of all of us than should be required. I'm dismayed that the norms haven't changed more in the last couple of decades.
Argh, this is so incredibly frustrating. I worked out of the country (oh the joys of precarious academia) when my son started school. They called despite my husband being listed as CALL FIRST, and I said “I’m a plane ride away…”. Now he gets all the calls, thank goodness. I do joke that the PTA stalwarts are 10 mums and my husband.
This article is fascinating, Kate. I remember parents who were very disciplined about placing name tags on each item, which I did not do; but I also remember being attentive to what I was doing in order that my ways, habits and reliability were apparent to teachers, school administrators, and other parents - so that I would be recognized as a competent, and therefore worthy, parent.
Your essay also reminded me of something I recently read about prospective compliance being an attribute of people who were subject to the dictates of an oppressive government in order to insulate, or vaccinate, themselves against potential assault by those who are part of an authoritarian power. I confess that I have done that … out of fear and as a result of feeling powerless. You are not expressing that kind of compliance, IMHO, but I know I've done it, and I can relate it to my wanting to be accepted as adequate and okay. I shudder as I recall so much of my past motives and behavior.
Yes, and let's also remember that having the freedom to not conform is a privilege. Not everyone can shrug off a lost item of kids clothing. They cost money. Sometimes a lot of money. You don't want to create a situation where kids with unlabeled clothes are now signaling higher privileges. You also dont want to signal to the teachers that you are willfully ignoring a practice that makes their jobs easier. They dont get paid enough to worry about whether you get paid enough to replace that sock. So maybe don't put down that sharpie, but also don't stress about it either. Great essay overall though. Definitely worth thinking about which norms we conform to and why, and who benefits.
"The question, I suppose, is whether these rewards are worth having"
This immediately called to my mind the "patriarchy prizes" theory that I first read about in Virgie Tovar's work and I believe she coined as well. It uses the metaphor of going to the arcade as a kid and spending all your tokens and strategy to get tickets only to be rewarded with the massively underwhelming prizes of a pencil and a single piece of candy.
Secondly, I have to wonder how neurodivergence and specifically autism play into compliance. Outside of health and safety, how do you discern which expectations to comply to and which not to when they all seem arbitrary and ridiculous? Especially when you're already putting so much effort into masking.
I think maybe I’m neurodivergent, or just a rebel. Once I figured out that because schools are largely run by women, who largely bend over backwards to comply with and cater to men, it was game over for me. I just told my husband it was in our kids’ best interest for him to deal with all school officials. I did transport, etc. Call it an experiment. The results were crazy. Any problem, he would call up and say, let’s do this, or kid needs that, and *magic wand!* it was done. I wish I’d figured it out sooner, but I also was never one to signal compliance anyway.
Yeh I send my conventionally attractive white husband in my place when I know it’ll give us a leg up. It’s not great for my self esteem and doesn’t send the message to my son that I’d like to, but, results.
wow. this makes me so fucking mad.
It made me mad, too. But then, I just didn't have the energy--there was a lot of challenge in my life at that time--and I just went with the thing that worked best. I suppose you might be actually angry at me, at which point, I don't know what to say. It was not something I was happy about. I'm just being honest, because it might be that someone else can use that to their advantage in a hard situation.
Oh the anger is abs not at you - it’s that they’re so much more responsive to your husband.
Whew! A little context--I live in a rural and tight knit community. I would have more influence if I were "from" here, but I've only lived here since my early twenties (just thirty years).