“Famously, comparison is the thief of joy. I wonder if gratitude can be the enemy of solidarity.” All of it resonated with me, but, gratitude as the enemy of solidarity! THAT!
This was really interesting, thank you! I sometimes struggle with forced gratitude as a twin to toxic positivity. I don't want to write in a gratitude journal every day. Some days just suck and I want to be honest about the fact that they suck and not have to look for the bright spot or the good in the moment.
Arlie Hochschild writes a lot about gratitude in heterosexual marriage in her classic 1980’s book “Second Shift.” You might be interest in it too!
People often talk about “Second Shift” as being about the uneven distribution of labor in the home, but Hochschild is actually just as interested--or perhaps even more interested, as she says--in the uneven distribution of gratitude: Men showered with praise for making even minor contributions to the household (“I take care of the dog!”), and women receiving little or no recognition for fulfilling tasks that are simply expected of them.
Gratitude, Hochschild points out, just ends up being a way for both men and women to normalize and rationalize the unequal distribution of labor.
It becomes, in other words, a means of rewarding men for doing what in the end is actually a smaller share of the housework. (And even if you were able to equally distribute the work, would the gratitude really be equally distributed also?)
The toxic gratitude link to downward comparison is so illuminating! There's also a whole strand of toxic gratitude melding into indebtedness, that cathy park hong describes as weaponized against immigrants, to pressure them into being perfect neoliberal subjects. Or in professional spaces where marginalized people are made to feel compulsory gratitude to "just" be at the table, as a way to prevent meaningful accountability for mistreatment. And of course actual debt as a way to discipline and control a workforce. Gratitude as enemy of solidarity is on point, as well as to undermine entitlement to dignity.
Absolutely true. An awful lot of 'gratitude' is performative bragging and superiority. Of course you're grateful for your perfect life, but the point is to be grateful for all of it. And there's not actually any need to announce it or post it.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, thus this late comment...
“I’m not saying you can’t quite appropriately be grateful for your health or your happiness, and even say it to friends and family, or proclaim it on social media. But saying you’re grateful not to be sick or disabled or unemployed or what-have-you errs into tricky territory in how that may read to those living with these challenges.”
That feels like being light on gratitude for fear those in less favorable conditions may engage in comparison thinking themselves: To protect them from the pain of envy, be reticent to express gratitude for one’s own good fortune.
But I find gratitude for the good things I have in life, rather than comparing myself to others who have things I don’t have, much more healthy mentally. Envy is toxic to mental health.
When I read this observation of Bertrand Russell’s probably 40 years ago as a undergrad, it fundamentally changed how I viewed my relative status with those more fortunate than me:
“Of all the characteristics of ordinary human nature envy is the most unfortunate; not only does the envious person wish to inflict misfortune and do so whenever he can with impunity, but he is also himself rendered unhappy by envy. Instead of deriving pleasure from what he has, he derives pain from what others have. If he can, he deprives others of their advantages, which to him is as desirable as it would be to secure the same advantages himself…Fortunately, however, there is in human nature a compensating passion, namely that of admiration. Whoever wishes to increase human happiness must wish to increase admiration and to diminish envy.”
Since that time, when someone is smarter than me or has some other advantage or benefit relative to me, I genuinely say, “Good for them!”
At a psychological level, gratitude is more healthy than ruminating on comparisons.
But there is another aspect of gratitude which I think is *socially* beneficial.
Nietzsche said “Kein Sieger glaubt an den Zufall” (“No victor believes in chance”).
I know a lot of people who have been successful in life and far too often I hear them say their success is largely, if not wholly, due to “working hard and making good choices.” They ignore or are ignorant of the massive — although not determinative — role luck (good and bad) plays in life outcomes.
Gratitude acknowledges that luck — and if the concept of gratitude is fully embraced, it means the simultaneous embrace of some humility.
This is something I came to understand much later in life. For many years, as I progressed in school and later in my career, I fully embraced the “hard work and good choices” view — it was a very libertarian, fuck-the-rest-of-the-world view.
But in the latter years of my career, I spent some serious time thinking about why I have what I have. And I realized that the dominant factor was simply good luck. And that’s when I embraced the full concept of gratitude — one where gratitude is melded with humility. I began looking at those less fortunate than me not simply as lazy or as people who made a lot of bad choices — if those assessments apply at all — but as people who deserve dignity and communal help because the luck they had was not as kind to them as it was to me. And that sparked me to become much more actively engaged in my community.
So gratitude is not necessarily a matter of being thankful and “screw everyone else” — although that may be the form it often takes. The fullest expression of gratitude includes an embrace of compassion for those less lucky.
I hated doing the I'm grateful for thing at work. You've explained why and I thank you for that. An individual who dares to judge someone else's body knows deep down that eventually their own body will betray them and ignores it to act on the impulse. It's way to ignore that we all walk the razor's edge and justify saying something that is not necessary to say.
Professor Manne continues to be braver than I will ever be. Fatphobia ruined my relationship with my family, ruined my school performance and ultimately my career. And I still can’t allow myself to be fat. It’s just a line I cannot cross. I don’t know why. It’s insane.
Thanks for posting. I must be living under a rock. I always thought of gratitude as being hand in hand with making an offering to a god in a religion, which would be a very private relationship. I can't imagine my employer asking me to share something that personal. No wonder people default to "hey, it could be worse, like it is for X," but to me, that's not gratitude, that's deflection, and rightfully used.
I also like the thoughts about barriers to solidarity. Thank you.
Perfectly articulated! As a mom of a teen/young adult disabled by several chronic illnesses, I've seen both: gratitude "as fear and pity with a side of downward comparison" and incredibly insensitive admonitions to be grateful (from a health care provider, for example: "you could have cancer, you know". Thank you for your thoughtful work.
Loved this Kate. I think the ol' "be grateful because it could always be worse" is just fuel for disconnection and makes me shut down completely. Yes, it can always be worse, but that doesn't mean we can't be dissatisfied with the way things are.
“Famously, comparison is the thief of joy. I wonder if gratitude can be the enemy of solidarity.” All of it resonated with me, but, gratitude as the enemy of solidarity! THAT!
This was really interesting, thank you! I sometimes struggle with forced gratitude as a twin to toxic positivity. I don't want to write in a gratitude journal every day. Some days just suck and I want to be honest about the fact that they suck and not have to look for the bright spot or the good in the moment.
Really nice post! Super illuminating.
Arlie Hochschild writes a lot about gratitude in heterosexual marriage in her classic 1980’s book “Second Shift.” You might be interest in it too!
People often talk about “Second Shift” as being about the uneven distribution of labor in the home, but Hochschild is actually just as interested--or perhaps even more interested, as she says--in the uneven distribution of gratitude: Men showered with praise for making even minor contributions to the household (“I take care of the dog!”), and women receiving little or no recognition for fulfilling tasks that are simply expected of them.
Gratitude, Hochschild points out, just ends up being a way for both men and women to normalize and rationalize the unequal distribution of labor.
It becomes, in other words, a means of rewarding men for doing what in the end is actually a smaller share of the housework. (And even if you were able to equally distribute the work, would the gratitude really be equally distributed also?)
The toxic gratitude link to downward comparison is so illuminating! There's also a whole strand of toxic gratitude melding into indebtedness, that cathy park hong describes as weaponized against immigrants, to pressure them into being perfect neoliberal subjects. Or in professional spaces where marginalized people are made to feel compulsory gratitude to "just" be at the table, as a way to prevent meaningful accountability for mistreatment. And of course actual debt as a way to discipline and control a workforce. Gratitude as enemy of solidarity is on point, as well as to undermine entitlement to dignity.
Absolutely true. An awful lot of 'gratitude' is performative bragging and superiority. Of course you're grateful for your perfect life, but the point is to be grateful for all of it. And there's not actually any need to announce it or post it.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a while, thus this late comment...
“I’m not saying you can’t quite appropriately be grateful for your health or your happiness, and even say it to friends and family, or proclaim it on social media. But saying you’re grateful not to be sick or disabled or unemployed or what-have-you errs into tricky territory in how that may read to those living with these challenges.”
That feels like being light on gratitude for fear those in less favorable conditions may engage in comparison thinking themselves: To protect them from the pain of envy, be reticent to express gratitude for one’s own good fortune.
But I find gratitude for the good things I have in life, rather than comparing myself to others who have things I don’t have, much more healthy mentally. Envy is toxic to mental health.
When I read this observation of Bertrand Russell’s probably 40 years ago as a undergrad, it fundamentally changed how I viewed my relative status with those more fortunate than me:
“Of all the characteristics of ordinary human nature envy is the most unfortunate; not only does the envious person wish to inflict misfortune and do so whenever he can with impunity, but he is also himself rendered unhappy by envy. Instead of deriving pleasure from what he has, he derives pain from what others have. If he can, he deprives others of their advantages, which to him is as desirable as it would be to secure the same advantages himself…Fortunately, however, there is in human nature a compensating passion, namely that of admiration. Whoever wishes to increase human happiness must wish to increase admiration and to diminish envy.”
Since that time, when someone is smarter than me or has some other advantage or benefit relative to me, I genuinely say, “Good for them!”
At a psychological level, gratitude is more healthy than ruminating on comparisons.
But there is another aspect of gratitude which I think is *socially* beneficial.
Nietzsche said “Kein Sieger glaubt an den Zufall” (“No victor believes in chance”).
I know a lot of people who have been successful in life and far too often I hear them say their success is largely, if not wholly, due to “working hard and making good choices.” They ignore or are ignorant of the massive — although not determinative — role luck (good and bad) plays in life outcomes.
Gratitude acknowledges that luck — and if the concept of gratitude is fully embraced, it means the simultaneous embrace of some humility.
This is something I came to understand much later in life. For many years, as I progressed in school and later in my career, I fully embraced the “hard work and good choices” view — it was a very libertarian, fuck-the-rest-of-the-world view.
But in the latter years of my career, I spent some serious time thinking about why I have what I have. And I realized that the dominant factor was simply good luck. And that’s when I embraced the full concept of gratitude — one where gratitude is melded with humility. I began looking at those less fortunate than me not simply as lazy or as people who made a lot of bad choices — if those assessments apply at all — but as people who deserve dignity and communal help because the luck they had was not as kind to them as it was to me. And that sparked me to become much more actively engaged in my community.
So gratitude is not necessarily a matter of being thankful and “screw everyone else” — although that may be the form it often takes. The fullest expression of gratitude includes an embrace of compassion for those less lucky.
I hated doing the I'm grateful for thing at work. You've explained why and I thank you for that. An individual who dares to judge someone else's body knows deep down that eventually their own body will betray them and ignores it to act on the impulse. It's way to ignore that we all walk the razor's edge and justify saying something that is not necessary to say.
Professor Manne continues to be braver than I will ever be. Fatphobia ruined my relationship with my family, ruined my school performance and ultimately my career. And I still can’t allow myself to be fat. It’s just a line I cannot cross. I don’t know why. It’s insane.
Thanks for posting. I must be living under a rock. I always thought of gratitude as being hand in hand with making an offering to a god in a religion, which would be a very private relationship. I can't imagine my employer asking me to share something that personal. No wonder people default to "hey, it could be worse, like it is for X," but to me, that's not gratitude, that's deflection, and rightfully used.
I also like the thoughts about barriers to solidarity. Thank you.
Perfectly articulated! As a mom of a teen/young adult disabled by several chronic illnesses, I've seen both: gratitude "as fear and pity with a side of downward comparison" and incredibly insensitive admonitions to be grateful (from a health care provider, for example: "you could have cancer, you know". Thank you for your thoughtful work.
I have run into gratitude --- bringing out the berry worst in people -- the every kiss deserves a kick crowd...
Brilliant. Thank you.
Very powerful and pointed, as always, Kate. Good on ya.
Loved this Kate. I think the ol' "be grateful because it could always be worse" is just fuel for disconnection and makes me shut down completely. Yes, it can always be worse, but that doesn't mean we can't be dissatisfied with the way things are.