I think the most mothers who have little boys find them to be very sweet and often gentle. They are fed messages to toughen up. I believe this is difficult for many boys for puberty. Hormones make it easier. The counter programming really needs to step up an early adolescence, so they can maintain open hearts.
It is an uphill battle for men to not embody the Patriarchy, but thanks to the work of people like Kate Manne, Rebecca Solnit and so, so many others it's becoming more and more possible to avoid the trap. And the pressure doesn't just come from men. I dated a rather progressive woman who told me that she wanted me to "get [my] knuckles bloody" for her. Fortunately I had enough security and deprogramming to see that wasn't a dynamic I wanted to be a part of.
I live in a liberal university town, so I realize that my experience is probably not representative, but I do see good signs. I recently learned about Clavicular and, out of concern, I asked my teenage son if he'd heard of him. He said "I think I was interested in him for about 2 days when I was...like...nine, but then I realized he's not for me." I am so thankful that the manosphere doesn't appeal to my son, and when I witness he and his friends being sweet and caring to each other it gives me hope. There are forces at work trying to drag us back to darker times, but there are also inspiring and energetic people who are inviting us forward to a more caring and less violent future. And I think that at least some of the boys are listening.
The women writers and women content creators who point out the baneful effects on boys of patriarchy, and show what men and boys can be instead, are giving me hope. Some male psychologists are also picking up this theme. It is apparently starting to get into the general culture, as well. At least it is showing up in my emails, such as Kate Manne's, and my YouTube algorithm. I do not discount the hatred of women spewed in the manosphere. But every gently stroked kitten is all to the good!
I love that your new kittens love your husband so much! When I first started dating my husband, one of the things that made me realize he was such a good guy was the fact that one of my cats liked him. Whenever I'd have any guy at my apartment before (my brother or a date), she would go in my bedroom and wait until he was gone. With my husband, she walked over and stood on his lap like she was conquering him and she loved him for the rest of her life (much more than me, who she'd lived with for about 4 years by then). How a cat reacts to a guy (or how he treats the cat) says a lot about who he is.
Are we still in the "Once you take away hunting (and soldiering), what do men do?" stage? I have lived under patriarchy all of my 78 years and yet have had the good fortune to know a great many "tender" men---men who were astoundingly loving fathers and husbands, true animal magnets and still solid, strong defenders of their opinions and "territory." Whatever is happening in the world of "masculinity" today---this domination drive---it's as if patriarchy knows it's on its last legs. We can only hope.
Thanks Kate. My attitude and sensibly toward women was formed by my older sister (unfortunately not my mom who was cold and often insensitive to me). My sis raised me from ages 6 to 9, taught me fairness and equanimity. I am strictly hetero yet have easily made and kept close friendships with girls and women throughout my life (I’ll turn 84 in June). Perhaps we need to hear more from guys like me instead of the phony macho crap too often heard on media.
This goes way beyond tenderness to box men in on all kinds of things. Can you wear pink ? Can you order a drink with strawberries ? Is it permissible to like babies ? Become a nurse ? To dislike competitive sports ? To like competitive dance ? To be a stay at home dad ...
If men were really free, why not ? And yet, people care about these things and sillier and disapprove of men straying outside some notion of masculinity. We're all bound by rigid social structures. Tenderness and compassion are definitely up there on the list, but it's really everything. Gendered roles and gendered expectations.
I think the most mothers who have little boys find them to be very sweet and often gentle. They are fed messages to toughen up. I believe this is difficult for many boys for puberty. Hormones make it easier. The counter programming really needs to step up an early adolescence, so they can maintain open hearts.
"...characterological archeology" a perfect definition of your point.
It is an uphill battle for men to not embody the Patriarchy, but thanks to the work of people like Kate Manne, Rebecca Solnit and so, so many others it's becoming more and more possible to avoid the trap. And the pressure doesn't just come from men. I dated a rather progressive woman who told me that she wanted me to "get [my] knuckles bloody" for her. Fortunately I had enough security and deprogramming to see that wasn't a dynamic I wanted to be a part of.
I live in a liberal university town, so I realize that my experience is probably not representative, but I do see good signs. I recently learned about Clavicular and, out of concern, I asked my teenage son if he'd heard of him. He said "I think I was interested in him for about 2 days when I was...like...nine, but then I realized he's not for me." I am so thankful that the manosphere doesn't appeal to my son, and when I witness he and his friends being sweet and caring to each other it gives me hope. There are forces at work trying to drag us back to darker times, but there are also inspiring and energetic people who are inviting us forward to a more caring and less violent future. And I think that at least some of the boys are listening.
The women writers and women content creators who point out the baneful effects on boys of patriarchy, and show what men and boys can be instead, are giving me hope. Some male psychologists are also picking up this theme. It is apparently starting to get into the general culture, as well. At least it is showing up in my emails, such as Kate Manne's, and my YouTube algorithm. I do not discount the hatred of women spewed in the manosphere. But every gently stroked kitten is all to the good!
I love that your new kittens love your husband so much! When I first started dating my husband, one of the things that made me realize he was such a good guy was the fact that one of my cats liked him. Whenever I'd have any guy at my apartment before (my brother or a date), she would go in my bedroom and wait until he was gone. With my husband, she walked over and stood on his lap like she was conquering him and she loved him for the rest of her life (much more than me, who she'd lived with for about 4 years by then). How a cat reacts to a guy (or how he treats the cat) says a lot about who he is.
Are we still in the "Once you take away hunting (and soldiering), what do men do?" stage? I have lived under patriarchy all of my 78 years and yet have had the good fortune to know a great many "tender" men---men who were astoundingly loving fathers and husbands, true animal magnets and still solid, strong defenders of their opinions and "territory." Whatever is happening in the world of "masculinity" today---this domination drive---it's as if patriarchy knows it's on its last legs. We can only hope.
Thanks Kate. My attitude and sensibly toward women was formed by my older sister (unfortunately not my mom who was cold and often insensitive to me). My sis raised me from ages 6 to 9, taught me fairness and equanimity. I am strictly hetero yet have easily made and kept close friendships with girls and women throughout my life (I’ll turn 84 in June). Perhaps we need to hear more from guys like me instead of the phony macho crap too often heard on media.
My husband is also a cat magnet!
Of real concern these days for the psychology of males : AI, ChatGPT etc.
— the intent is to warp their psyches into the negatives you mention,
Hate is a powerful tool, esp for those feeling disempowered.
Would that this could someday come pass-a mass scale up of tenderness in men and boys.
I’m not holding my breath, tho…
This goes way beyond tenderness to box men in on all kinds of things. Can you wear pink ? Can you order a drink with strawberries ? Is it permissible to like babies ? Become a nurse ? To dislike competitive sports ? To like competitive dance ? To be a stay at home dad ...
If men were really free, why not ? And yet, people care about these things and sillier and disapprove of men straying outside some notion of masculinity. We're all bound by rigid social structures. Tenderness and compassion are definitely up there on the list, but it's really everything. Gendered roles and gendered expectations.
None of my make romantic interests or partners ever brought me flowers or chocolates.
— but they were ALL gentle, kind & caring. 🌺🌿