Oh god, yes. Shame is probably one of the deepest early traumas many of us share, put in place before we even have the rational ability to deal with it. Perfectionism in work, or grades, or ability, or weight (I just wrote about this Tuesday on Substack) stems, at least for me, in knowing somehow in this deep mysterious way that I simply am not enough, am too much, am not right, thus I must be better/faster/thinner/prettier/more accomplished etc. The older I get the more I learn about my own history (familial neglect), my brain (I'm pretty sure I have some significant neurodivergence that was never discovered or acknowledged) and how those things combine in a dangerous combination with capitalism's pressure of "winning" and the shame of not winning. Thank you for this piece.
Love your work and can't wait for the new book. I am just recently realizing (in my 60s) how totally I've always been ruled by shame (not necessarily about my body but about my entire existence) and how it is the missing piece in fully healing.
I feel so lucky and grateful to be in the world when this book is coming (and when you’re doing your work more generally)! I hope you feel and will continue to feel how much we GET the vulnerability it takes, how much we appreciate you, how much we got you.
Shame as instrument of isolation and social control: especially when projected as if it’s divinely sourced--yes. Countered by ‘grace’ as inclusive but always controlled by the clergy. (This one of the main Hawthorne ‘lessons’)
Love your writing Kate, have preordered your book. I have spent much of my life trying to shrink myself too. And yes, I am very shame prone. For me, it’s a by product of childhood developmental trauma. It’s taken me a long time to unpack and it still lurks in quiet unsuspecting corners. I try to talk about it as an antidote, to lessen its sting. It keeps me feeling invisible wanting to hide in corners and I have to work to notice this. I think it’s powerful to say, yes I get that... me too when sharing our struggles with shame. So I guess I just wanted to say that, me too. Can’t wait to read your book on the beach!
I preordered when I first learned it was on its way--your work is suggested a lighthouse for us to find a new clarity. Shame is such a hard thing to fight when we want--and are conditioned to want--belonging so dearly. I so appreciate your honesty and candor about this whole process--it’s real but it’s parts of what we all feel with you at the same time, and in turn that creates community and solidarity. 💜 ✊
Oh god, yes. Shame is probably one of the deepest early traumas many of us share, put in place before we even have the rational ability to deal with it. Perfectionism in work, or grades, or ability, or weight (I just wrote about this Tuesday on Substack) stems, at least for me, in knowing somehow in this deep mysterious way that I simply am not enough, am too much, am not right, thus I must be better/faster/thinner/prettier/more accomplished etc. The older I get the more I learn about my own history (familial neglect), my brain (I'm pretty sure I have some significant neurodivergence that was never discovered or acknowledged) and how those things combine in a dangerous combination with capitalism's pressure of "winning" and the shame of not winning. Thank you for this piece.
No doubt Unshrinking will have an impact. Down Girl *CHANGED MY LIFE* and also changed the way I wanted to read and interact with books.
Love your work and can't wait for the new book. I am just recently realizing (in my 60s) how totally I've always been ruled by shame (not necessarily about my body but about my entire existence) and how it is the missing piece in fully healing.
I feel so lucky and grateful to be in the world when this book is coming (and when you’re doing your work more generally)! I hope you feel and will continue to feel how much we GET the vulnerability it takes, how much we appreciate you, how much we got you.
This essay was absolutely beautiful!!! I cannot WAIT for Unshrinking!!
well now i can’t wait for the article on struggling with the perfectionism of not being perfectionist!
My welcome substack starts it, I think. Would be delighted if you did
Shame as instrument of isolation and social control: especially when projected as if it’s divinely sourced--yes. Countered by ‘grace’ as inclusive but always controlled by the clergy. (This one of the main Hawthorne ‘lessons’)
Love your writing Kate, have preordered your book. I have spent much of my life trying to shrink myself too. And yes, I am very shame prone. For me, it’s a by product of childhood developmental trauma. It’s taken me a long time to unpack and it still lurks in quiet unsuspecting corners. I try to talk about it as an antidote, to lessen its sting. It keeps me feeling invisible wanting to hide in corners and I have to work to notice this. I think it’s powerful to say, yes I get that... me too when sharing our struggles with shame. So I guess I just wanted to say that, me too. Can’t wait to read your book on the beach!
I so loved you bringing Eli's work into this discussion.
Pre-ordered and can’t wait!
I preordered when I first learned it was on its way--your work is suggested a lighthouse for us to find a new clarity. Shame is such a hard thing to fight when we want--and are conditioned to want--belonging so dearly. I so appreciate your honesty and candor about this whole process--it’s real but it’s parts of what we all feel with you at the same time, and in turn that creates community and solidarity. 💜 ✊